Suggestions for giving gifts — and acknowledging them

In Good Taste

Special occasions often call for gifts, but it is not always easy to make an appropriate selection.

Q. We would like to present the attendants at our wedding with mementos of the event. What gifts are appropriate?

A. Ideally, your selection should be personal, lasting, useful, decorative and affordable. Obviously, these criteria eliminate choices such as a fine bottle of wine, fresh flowers, monogrammed cigarette lighters (formerly very popular but now deemed to encourage an unhealthy practice), and Faberge eggs. Many people would welcome such gifts, but they are poor choices as gifts to bridesmaids and groomsmen.

A small piece of good, but inexpensive jewelry is an appropriate selection, especially if it can be worn on the wedding day as well as later. If the attendants are careerists or students, fine pens or writing sets make excellent gifts. A local couple has chosen to give small brass boxes, appropriately inscribed, to all members of their wedding party. Take the time to visit your local jewelry and gift shops. Good ideas await you.

Q. I have received an invitation to a bridal shower party for a girl I really don’t know. I am acquainted with her parents, and I expect that they will also invite me to the wedding. All of this gift-giving is a financial burden, and I wonder if there is some way to avoid it.

A. A bridal shower is a party designed to give gifts to the bride-to-be, and if you accept the invitation, you are obliged to give a gift. If the bride has no valid claim on your friendship, decline the invitation and do not send a gift.

Wedding gifts are optional and are not contingent upon your attending the ceremony or reception. People who feel close enough to the bride and groom or their families to accept an invitation to a wedding, usually want to express their good wishes by presenting a gift which is within their budget. Avoid viewing the gift as “payment” for the cost of your entertainment and meal at the wedding reception.

Q. What is the proper way to handle gift-giving to co-workers?

A. Many offices take up collections among co-workers to pay for gifts that are presented to the honoree in the office, at a special luncheon attended by other employees or at a party which also includes friends and relatives among the guests. The collection is taken up for each occasion individually, or a periodic general assessment is made and gifts are purchased from the standing fund.

A person or a committee is usually designated to collect the funds and purchase the gift. There should be prior agreement on who will select the gift, how much it will cost, and how much each person is expectd to contribute. Such a group gift is voluntary and some persons may choose not to participate. An appropriate card, bearing the signature of each participant or simply inscribed “from your co-workers,” should accompany the gift.

Individual gifts should be presented outside of the workplace unless everyone intends to participate in the shower of gifts.

Q. What other occasions require a gift, and how do you decide on appropriate gifts?

A. Gifts or greetings are usually sent to acknowledge a significant event in the lives of family or friends. Such events might include births, baptisms or other religious ceremonies, marriages, wedding anniversaries, graduations, promotions, retirements and other leave-takings such as major trips or moving from one community to another. Sometimes, gifts and messages are also sent to express sorrow or empathy. A friend in the community can brief you on local customs.

Choose gifts that suit both the person and the occasion. For example, sturdy luggage is a better gift for the departing Peace Corps volunteer than a yearlong pass to a local health club. Also, gifts should not be so elaborate or costly that they will cause the recipient to feel uncomfortable or under obligation. When in doubt, stick with the more conservative choice.

Q. Which gifts are we supposed to acknowledge?

A. It is proper to acknowledge all gifts, expressions of sympathy, congratulations, or other messages.

A written acknowledgment, thanking the person sending the gift, letter or cable, should be mailed as soon as possible. Most greeting cards can be acknowledged personally when you next see the sender. Telephone calls also don’t require notes, because you usually thank the well-wisher during the conversation.

Cards or telephone calls which are unusual because they come from a friend seldom visited or from a very elderly or housebound relative should be acknowledged by a return note or call, whichever is most appropriate.

Q. Who should write the thank-you note?

A. The person for whom the gift or message is intended should write the thank-you note. In the past, wives and mothers carried the obligation for social correspondence. Today, all members of the family are equally busy — and equally responsible. Children too young to write can draw pictures and moisten stamps.