A group whose members are said to be inconvenienced by something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome sent out a press release a while back announcing that the outfit, which heretofore had been meeting twice monthly, would henceforth meet only once a month.

No reason was given for the change, but I think it is fairly obvious that these people probably are just too damn tired to gather around more than once every 30 days for their periodic wakeup call and pep rally. In fact, I would not be at all surprised if I have caused them to become totally bushed just thinking about the deal, and I guess I should apologize for that.

On the day that that press release arrived, an editor of the female persuasion here at the paper dropped it and two other dubious announcements on the managing editor’s desk, along with a note suggesting that “perhaps Kent Ward could make some sort of a column out of these things and offend everyone in one fell swoop…”

The announcements she attached to her note had to do with some sort of convention of gay and lesbian Mormons and a “Golfing for Jesus” event to be held down in Fort Worth, sponsored by a Texas prison ministry.

Although I am deeply touched by the compliment, the lady gives me far too much credit. Hell, I don’t even know what a fell swoop is, nor, for that matter, whether I could even begin to fit all of the designated offendees into one. So I passed.

Which is no big loss, really, since if one wants Offend these days, all one has to do is plug in to the daily hawg wrassle in the halls of Congress, from which, with any luck at all next November, all of the present occupants will be dumped.

Readers seeking Offend might take their pick from this salacious congressional menu: The savings-and-loan scandal, the budget scandal, the honoraria scandal, the pay-raise scandal, and the piece de resistance — assorted sex scandals, same or opposite sex, whatever floats your boat. Have a nice day, and be mindful that it’s no use worrying, because nothing is going to turn out all right.

Things are pretty much running amok in Washington, and now the stressed-out inmates are at each other’s throats in their attempt to divert the blame and smokescreen the voters back home. Before Fall of the Roman Empire II plays to its logical conclusion and we start over from ground zero, the fine mess they have gotten us into this time could turn out to be all your fault. So don’t say I never warned you.

For political junkies, the congressional finger-pointing took a delightful Maine-angle turn this week when Rep. Olympia J. Snowe plowed new ground within our very own congressional delegation.

When you have only a four-person congressional delegation containing two members of each political party, the unwritten rule if you desire things to remain reasonably hunky-dory is that one member does not speak ill of another, at least in the public press.

Snowe decided this week that she’d had about enough of that drill. She is, she said, quite fed up with the Democrats in general and Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell in particular, thank you very much. Taking care to first remove the kid gloves, the lady told our John Day in a Page One story that Mitchell is playing partisan politics in trying to give Democrats the upper hand over President George Bush in this budget thing. She suggested that Mitchell really ought to smarten up before he drives the country into a recession.

Mitchell replied that Snowe obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He said the Republicans are in hewmongus disarray, haven’t a clue as to who’s on first or what’s on second, and that if they don’t get their act together pretty soon we’re all going to Hell in a handbasket.

First District Congressman Joe Brennan said he guessed he wanted a piece of that action. So he buttered up Mitchell with the obligatory praise one must periodically offer to one’s patron and then hammered Republicans in general and Gov. Jock McKernan in particular. (Lack of leadership. No guts, no glory. The usual stuff.)

The fourth member of the delegation, Sen. Bill Cohen, was conspicuously absent from the fray.

So here’s where we are as the troops mass on the border, preparing for flat-out war: Joe, who once had Jock’s job, aims to take it back in the November election. Jock, who once had Joe’s job, does not wish to give it up. Jock is married to Olympia, whom he also does not wish to give up. This means that Joe is double-teamed, taking flak from Olympia in Washington and Jock in Augusta. Thus, George will have to step in to help out, presumably forcing Bill to fish or cut bait.

The game, then, has begun; the ball is in play. If you think your basic X-rated love triangle can create unbelievable entanglements, wait until you see what havoc this five-way frolic can inflict on voters with weak stomachs.

Kent Ward is the NEWS associate managing editor.