Presidential agenda

If I were president —

I would immediately agree to a private meeting with Iraq’s Saddam Hussein in Baghdad.

Prior to this meeting, in an act of good faith; I would stop the build-up of our troops in the Persian Gulf and withdraw the present ones there, away from the Kuwait border a few hundred miles.

I would send home all foreign soldiers, informing them that the U.S. can and will handle the crisis … alone!

I would have a massive air lift of sungalsses, tanning lotion and videotaped replays of “1945 Hiroshima” at Ground Zero — delivered to the Iraqi soldiers. Maybe even a few thousand dictionaries, with the word “Martyr” highlighted!

I would have the Presidential Seal slapped onto the side of the new B-2 Stealth Bomber and it would be the new Air Force One to carry the president on his missions of peace.

I would be nostalgic and indulge in some aircraft nose art as in WWII, something like, “Enola Gay 2 — the sequel!”

I would offer Hussein the chance to increase his tourism industry in Iraq by becoming the 8th Wonder of the World. While showing him color postcards of our Grand Canyon, I’d explain to him that unless I left here as a happy man, he would not have to wait thousands of years for his own canyon!

I would continue our tense meeting with a slide presentation showing the bomb bay contents of Air Force One, along with graphs showing our megatonnage and his vaporization-loss statistics.

I would close by presenting him an autographed pair of sunglasses or an autographed pen, to sign for his redundant surrender! Explaining all along, that my soldiers will not die to satisfy his, nor the United Nation’s, nor Congress’s, nor the media’s twisted ideas of politics, religion and manhood! The choice is his and it is right now!

But since I am not president — Mr. Hussein can thank his Allah for that — and when looking at what is ready to happen in the Middle East, I would say:

If I were Mr. Bush, I would get ready for impeachment proceedings!

Daniel G. Beaulieu

Van Buren