The Working House

George knows toilets. Judging by what he told us, he learned the hard way.

Many years ago, he fell in love with an Irishwoman and after he proposed marriage, they decided to fly to Ireland to meet her family.

The extended family met George and Carmel, his bride-to-be, at the airport and they decided to stop at the local pub before they went home. George said his future bride’s family drank a lot, and he, “not wanting to make a bad impression,” drank countless beers also.

When they rolled home, the family remembered their manners and let George, their guest, be the first to use the W.C. (water closet). To flush, George yanked the pull chain that was attached to a water tank near the ceiling.

George insists to this day that even in his fuzzy condition, he used “appropriate force” on the chain. Even so, the overhead tank broke loose from the wall and crashed down on him.

The future in-laws had been crossing their legs and waiting their turn when they all heard the crash and saw water gush beneath the W.C. door. The father flung the door wide open and there, slumped across the toilet was the dazed, soaked, and bare-bottomed future son-in-law, who had just broken the only toilet in the house.

Carmel married George anyway. She figured a guy that started that low in her family’s estimation could go no where but up. The bet paid off. They now have a house in Virginia, one daughter, and two toilets solidly anchored to the floor.

Now, as heredity would have it, their daughter Aine has demonstrated an early propensity towards “toilet conflict.” It seems that while Ken and Barbie were swimming in the “toy-let” pool, Aine accidentally pushed the lever and sent Barbie whirling ’round and down.

Barbie’s stiff little body lodged in a bend in the waste pipe just beneath the bathroom floor. After the ordeal, George called to tell us that he now knew how to remove a toilet the right way.

In fact it was so simple, he said, that he thinks he’ll take out the old toilet in the guest bathroom and install one of those super-quiet, jet-siphon, low-slung, art-sculpture toilets. All he needs are a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and $1,000 for the fancy can. Yessir, he’s come a long way from the ol’ W.C.

George says you remove the old toilet by first shutting off the water supply that is found beneath the left hand side of the tank. Flush the toilet, which will remove most of the water, then sponge out the remaining water from both the tank and bowl.

Unscrew the water supply to the tank and unbolt the bowl from the floor flange after removing the decorative caps. Although it is not necessary, the toilet is easier to handle if you unscrew the tank from the bowl and pull the two sections apart. Wiggle the bowl free from the floor.

Plug the exposed waste pipe with a rag to prevent sewer gas from entering the house. When you are ready to install the new toilet, remove the rag and lay in a flanged wax ring ($2). Make sure the bolts on the waste pipe flange are in good condition and in place, then center the bowl and push it down onto the wax ring until all edges seat firmly on the floor. Bolt it down gently using the washers and decorative cover provided.

Bolt the tank to the bowl. You’re in luck if the distance between the new tank inlet and the water supply happens to be the same as the old distance. If not, measure the new distance and buy an “E Z Hooker” hose ($7) for a leak-free connection rather than trying to work with soft copper pipe and compression fittings.

Turn on the water, check for leaks, bolt on the seat and invite the in-laws over.

Doug and Cynthia Edmunds are renovators from Kittery.