Knowing how to say ‘no’

The most difficult word to say is “no.” One of the shortest words, it leads us into trouble more than any other.

Q. My husband is always complaining that I reluctantly accompany him to parties and that, because of my lack of enthusiasm, I spoil his enjoyment. I have told him that I would not mind going to these parties if only the hostesses would stop pressing calorie-laden foods and drinks on me.

A. It was once considered rude to decline gestures of hospitality. In some cases it still is, but when hosts try too hard to please, they sometimes end up behaving like mini-tyrants. Guests usually have valid reasons for declining the offers of hosts and a gentle refusal should be accepted without further coaxing.

As a guest, you may find it difficult to cope with the persistance of a hostess who takes pride in refreshments she has prepared and cannot understand why everyone isn’t clamoring for more. In this case, it is possible that her failure to understand has been compounded by your inability to clearly express your refusal.

When you say “no” to your hostess, be firm and leave no room for her to interpret your answer as “maybe.” Also, be kind in your phrasing. She won’t mind your refusal of the food, but she will be hurt if you indicate a refusal to recognize her ability and desire to please you.

Prepare for the next party by having a few stock refusals in store. Your inability to say “no” effectively is spoiling your husband’s pleasure as well as your own, and this just isn’t fair.

Q. Inevitably, the New Year will bring lots of telephone calls with requests to serve on this and that civic committee, accept the chairmanship of a school project, or volunteer hours of work for some other good cause. I like to do these things, within reason, but too often I accept far more than I can handle. When I say “no,” I feel guilty.

A. It is commendable to have a sense of civic responsibility, but it must be balanced against the time and energy we must rightfully devote to ourselves and our intimates. When we mentally order our priorities, we can say “no” more easily.

If you feel very strongly about a cause you must refuse, you can make your “no” answer less distasteful to yourself by (A) offering to help in a less demanding capacity, perhaps as a committee member instead of chairman, or (B) suggesting that the caller contact someone who has previously worked on one of your committees (your trainee who has earned the opportunity to exercise leadership), and you will be passing rather then rejecting the torch of volunteerism.

Q. What do you do about a family member who can’t say “no” and commits the time and possessions of others without their knowledge or consent?

A. If family members put up with this behavior, they are as spineless as the one who assumes the responsibility of speaking for them. Let the offender know that you refuse to allow another to make these decisions for you and that you will not honor unauthorized commitments made in your name.

If, after your warning, the situation is repeated, simply say that your relative was mistaken and you are unable to honor the promise. You owe no apology or explanation. That burden should be placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who made the initial promise.

Q. What if you are a minor, and those promises are made for you by your parents?

A. While children are very young, we assume that parents and guardians know best and have the right and responsibility to make certain judgments for their charges. But as children mature, they should be encouraged to begin to evaluate situations and make decisions for themselves. Loving and responsible parents respect the persons and property of their children, and encourage them to gradually assume responsibility for their own behaviors and belongings.

When these parents do make a mistake in judgment, they should be gratified that their child is able to identify the mistake and act independently. Pride should not rob a parent from recognizing and feeling gratified that a daughter or son has finally grasped this valuable lesson.

Q. We are aware that these are economically difficult times, but the increase in sales pitches bombarding us by telephone, mail or unsolicited visits is difficult to endure.

A. Salespeople for products, services and charitable causes do indeed work harder during tough times. We should make an effort to respect their need to be more insistent than usual, but we have a right to draw the line at badgering and ill timing.

Try to exercise a bit of patience and allow the caller to explain the purpose of the contact. Of course, this purpose should be made clear immediately, and if it is not, you are permitted to interrupt politely and insist upon it.

Once you have heard enough to come to a decision — especially if the contact is made at mealtime or other equally busy period in your day — you should proceed to terminate the contact. Expressions of impatience or anger are unnecessary, but since it is your time, your telephone and your home, you have the right to give as little or as much of them as you wish.

Lee Ryckman is a free-lance writer who lives in Bangor.