A three-way final?

Only in the wonderland of the America’s Cup.

From the folks who brought you a monohull against a catamaran in 1988 and barred the public from the award ceremonies in 1992, we bring you the latest embarrassment.

One thing you can say about Dennis Conner, he’s a survivor. When the Citizen Cup defender finals start next week, he’ll be right in there with Maine’s Young America and Bill Koch’s team.

That’s Koch, as in joke. Don’t know if he learned his new math at MIT, but this one was a beaut: 3-13.

The why is easy. Conner has a Cadillac spinnaker the size of a hot air balloon. It would not be good for Dennis’ business just when ESPN was going live daily for the races to have Chevrolet and Lincoln-Mercury spinnakers flying from his rivals’ boats on national TV while that Cadillac spinnaker was stowed in a sail bag in the backwaters of San Diego Bay. Win or lose, his sponsors will be happier now.

“I have to care about my sponsors,” he said. “I don’t have such strong assets as other people.”

Such as Koch. But he also was in a spot. Up to then, the women really hadn’t achieved anything. With only three defenders, a fourth crew of nobodies could have reached the semifinals. He had already compromised his ideal by putting a man on the boat, and then, with Conner having forced a sail-off by handily beating Mighty Mary last Sunday, he stood to lose, anyway.

A three-way final became attractive.

The problem was how to sell it to PACT 95, the team from Bangor, Maine. Kevin Mahaney and his crew had long since clinched a spot in the finals, but racing Conner’s slower boat in the finals wouldn’t help them tune up Young America as much as racing Koch’s Mighty Mary, which was still improving.

Also, the team’s computer hotshots at Science Applications International Corp. told them that going in against two boats with two wins in the bag would mathematically increase their chances of reaching the Cup match in May.

So, they listened.

Monday, as he flew back to San Diego from Maine, PACT 95’s c Monday, as he flew back to San Diego from Maine, PACT 95’s chief financial officer Tom Stark was constantly on the air phone negotiating with America3’s Vince Moeyersoms and Stars & Stripes’ Jerry La Dow. Through the weekend, La Dow talked from car phones and boats.

Initial proposals included forgetting the Tuesday sail-off, letting both Mighty Mary and Stars & Stripes into the finals and giving PACT 95 one bonus win. Not enough.

At 2 a.m. Tuesday, Stark called Moeyersoms and suggested the final deal: Young America would get two points, and the winner of the sail-off one point in the finals.

At 10:30 a.m., it was done.

“It’s really good for us,” PACT 95’s John Marshall said. “It was kind of a Downeaster negotiation, with a lot of `nopes.”‘

And then a yep.

“I suspect if Conner wins they’ll take me out and hang me,” Marshall said, “like, `If you have the snake at your feet, you cut its head off.”‘

But Conner doesn’t go easily.

The deal was made as Mighty Mary and Stars & Stripes were being towed out to sea for what they thought would be a sail-off for the second slot in the finals. Before the race, Conner’s crew knew but Koch’s obviously didn’t.

Unlike the earlier decision to replace tactician Jennifer Ann (J.J.) Isler with Dave Dellenbaugh, which Koch claimed was endorsed by the crew, he didn’t put this one to a vote. He didn’t even tell them.

ESPN’s Gary Jobson said later, “You have to give the women credit. They thought they had to win that race.”

From their wild celebration on the boat afterward, they thought they had achieved something – beating out Conner for the finals.

Looking back, if they could have seen that far, they would have wondered why he was smiling.

What did they feel when Koch told them the truth?

“They were bummed,” an insider said. “They went from total elation to faces falling and fists pounding.”

Now, of course, Koch must be kicking himself for losing his nerve and making a deal.

On the other hand, Conner told his team of the deal, “and it depressed them and may have affected their performance,” La Dow said. “It’s hard to say who was right or wrong.”

La Dow added that the solution should allow all sides to put the acrimonious, protest-plagued semifinals behind them. It may, but there will be other feuds.

This isn’t the real world – not even the real world of sports. The people who run the America’s Cup can change the rules or make them up as they go along. They don’t have a commissioner. They don’t even have a Bud Selig. Or a Don King.

If that occasionally – OK, often – leads to disarray, rest assured that it won’t tilt the world on its axis. Three boats in the defender finals doesn’t mean that tomorrow everybody will win the lottery. The dealer will still hit to 21 over your pair of jacks.

Congress will not cut taxes and balance the budget.

Ross Perot will not be co-President.

It’s just the America’s Cup.