‘Pocahontas’ overcomes factual flaws> John Smith lacks appeal

I’ll admit it. When Pocahontas dove off the cliff in her opening scene of the film “Pocahontas,” I gasped out a “Yooooooooow!” Like a bird, like a plane, like Super Powhatan, she flew through the air at (roughly) 150 billion feet above the river. And I was right there with her for every animated inch of the glorious swan dive. I didn’t start breathing again until her face bobbed up from the water.

“Wow,” I thought. “I wish I could do that.”

OK, OK. It’s an animated film. And worse, it’s the Wonderful World of Disney in which 17th-century characters have perfect teeth without the benefit of modern dentistry, in which Pocahontas is bilingual within minutes of meeting an Englishman for the first time in her life, in which Indians — the original sturdy Americans — suffer from anorexia of the waistline.

And that doesn’t even begin to address the complaints of critics across the country. They’re mad because the story parts company with the so-called facts. They’re unhappy because Pocahontas is a “babe.” And they think that the film will never be as popular as last summer’s sleeper “The Lion King.” It’s just too politically correct, they say.

Well, forget all that. This film makes good use of the term “based on fact” and then throws in a modified dose of “Romeo and Juliet” because everyone knows that Shakespeare was a much more interesting writer than anyone who was penning history on these shores in 1607.

The point is that Pocahontas dives off a mountain into a river in this film. She paddles her own boat. She listens to her heart — and to the gentle advice of a tree that talks like a shamanic grandmother. Plus Pocahontas uses her mind. She is not your typical hero. She is a woman.

So what if she bears a slight resemblance to Raquel Welch in “One Million Years B.C.” and can run like the Bionic Woman. She has so much else going for her that I can — at least for the time being — overlook her unfortunate, unrealistic, unhealthy and (really folks!) unbeautiful 36-10-36 figure.

The real problem with this film is John Smith. If Disney creators slightly stretched a few things about the real Pocahontas, they really pulled the taffy with this guy. The actual man was short — 5-foot-2 — and, had the notion of “hunk” existed in 1607, it would not have applied to this chap. But if I am overlooking flaws in the depiction of Pocahontas, it’s only fair to do the same for Capt. Smith.

So I am willing to overlook the unbelievable scene in which he jumps overboard during a storm at sea and rescues a man who has fallen into the tumultuous ocean. I am also willing to overlook that he gets shot and doesn’t bleed. (No one in this film bleeds, which is one of the respectable benefits of tweaking reality.)

I am NOT willing to overlook John Smith’s excessive stalwartness. Pardon me for indulging myself here, but he’s just not very appealing. He’s wooden and self-aggrandizing. He’s a know-it-all and a wise-ass. He’s got a bad nose, a pointy face and slitty eyes. And what IS going on with those wing-shaped blond bangs of his, anyway?

This is Mel Gibson (who does the voice) dressed in the newest line for Real Men. But Gibson is overrated whether he’s dressed in cop clothes, in Hamlet’s doublet or in kilts. Any way you dress him, he’s Hollywood at its beefcake worst.

Why can’t Disney create a leading man who is handsome in some interesting ways? Is it that unimaginable? If the breeding ground is Disney studios, why not make him a real hero with some admirable brains to go with his brawn so we can understand why Pocahontas falls hard for him? Why turn him into a combination of “Bridges of Madison County” romantic and “Top Gun” thrill-seeker?

If the writers and animators had put half as much energy into developing John Smith as they did into creating Pocahontas — as well as the top-notch humor of her animal sidekicks — then he might have stood a chance of being handsome inside and out.

And maybe she would have ended up sailing the ocean blue with him. (She didn’t in real life, of course, but this is Disney, so why not?)

Frankly, I don’t blame her for sticking around in a place where corn is gold and the air is clean and the cliffs offer more adventure than any ship. Pocahontas made me long for the beauty of a time gone past, for a lifestyle close to the land and close to the heart, and for a femininity that is rampantly brave. And even though she’s just a flapping progression of sketches “based on fact,” she’s Disney’s best leading woman. Now, if the animators would just put a few more inches (like 20) around her waist, we really would be in for a whole new world.