Ice Trooper: After criticizing the use of generators by the shivering, railing against the distribution of food vouchers to the hungry and describing his aborted plan for an armed takeover of an idle power plant, Paul Thompson told Washington County officials the other day he’s changing his job title from director of emergency management to director of civil protection, thus reflecting the “extraordinary powers” of his office. Residents of that beleaguered region have no objections to a name change, provided it includes the word “former.”

Wire-wearing Linda Tripp, our nominee for Worst Best Friend of the Year, now says she just happened, in a most serendipitous way, to be at Monica Lewinsky’s slumber party the night Big Creep called at 2 a.m. Coming soon — what she saw while picnicking on Dallas’s grassy knoll.

Speaking of bedtime stories, something tells us the World Meteorological Association is getting a bit too whimsical. First, it’s El Nino, the havoc-wreaking ocean that’s too hot. Now, WMA says the globe should gird its loins for La Nina, the troubleome ocean that’s too cold. When, exactly, do we get the weather phenomenon that’s just right?

Fruit industry lobbyist James H. Lake, freshly convicted of fraud for making illegal contributions to the politician brother of former Agriculture Secretary and current indictee Mike Espy, has been sentenced to write an essay on federal campaign finance law. Lake also got two years detention, all suspended. No eraser-clapping?

Fuming over Gov. King’s appearance on a TV commercial for Maine Won’t Discriminate, gay rights opponents are struggling to come up with a celebrity pitchman of their own. Seems they can’t find any burning bushes willing to speak on camera.