Bill’s new friends

If Ronald Reagan was the Teflon President, Bill Clinton, with his uncanny ability to slip past disasters of his own creation, must be the Teflon II, Banana Peel, WD 40 President.

Either that, or he’s just plain lucky. Lucky to have foes more flawed than he.

Take Rep. Dan Burton. Please. This hysteric Hoosier shouldn’t be throwing even the last stone. His record of swapping votes for campaign cash, of arm-twisting lobbyists and foreign governments, of having to give back those ill-gotten gains, is unparalleled. His backyard massacre of a pumpkin in an attempt to prove Vince Foster was murdered by Hillary Clinton’s button man was as laughable as his tampering with the Webb Hubble tapes was transparent and as self-incriminating as his labeling the president a scumbag. Worse yet, when it comes to chosing a champion to bring the president down, he’s not even the worst choice.

That, of course, would be Speaker Newt Gingrich. His own alleged escapades as a draft-dodging, pot-smoking, money-laundering philanderer could fill a book, perhaps one of the two books he tried to get through shady deals. His promise two weeks ago that he would take the offensive against Mr. Clinton was perfectly phrased. If, as he asserted in a speech last weekend, the president is Nero, fiddling while the nation burns, Gingrich would be Nero’s ne’er-do-well cousin.

The failure of the opposition to make even a dent in this most dentable president is so perplexing it’s given rise to half-joking speculation that the Democratic National Committee has infiltrated the Far Right and paid its leaders to look so bad Mr. Clinton looks good. This would be the “vast right-wing conspriracy” the first lady slyly referred to a while back.

But of course it’s not a conspiracy. Conspiracies are better executed. They don’t stick out like a pimple on prom night. Chalk this up to good old arch-conservative ineptitude.

Despite six years of practice, the crackpot clique still has not figured this William Jefferson Clinton out. Despite losing several fingers, they have yet to learn this is one yellow dog that bites.

In a way, it’s understandable. Dan, Newt, Rush, et al. came of political age beating up on the likes of Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis. Each a nice guy, but soft. The type who, if punched in the nose, worries lest he bruised your hand.

Not this president, and not this presidential staff. They hit back. They hit hard. Sometimes they even hit first. Watch them turn Paula Jones from harassed employee to a hussy bankrolled by right-wing wing nuts. Marvel at the overnight transformation of Monica Lewinsky from innocent young prey to sexual predator on the prowl. Even poor Kathleen Willey no sooner had her blouse tucked in, her makeup squared away and her umbrage ready to roll than the White House produced a photocopy of her tell-all tabloid offer.

It’s not that the president and his White House cannot be brought down. It just can’t be done by bomb-throwers who light the fuse and then forget to toss the blasted thing.

The governor of Arkansas, legend has it, rose to national prominence by carefully and diligently cultivating powerful allies in the media and entertainment industry, the so-called Friends of Bill. How ironic that credit for his robust approval ratings and the increasing likelihood that he will complete his second term unscathed must go to his enemies. And with enemies like these…