A band of high-tech bandits, protesting the arrest of a comrade for Internet fraud, hacked its way into the New York Times website Saturday and replaced the Gray Lady’s electronic newspaper with material of a decidedly sexual nature. Given what’s on front pages these Starr-cross’d days, you have to wonder if anyone noticed the switch.

Here in Bangor, a lot of folks are upset about a TV station’s decision to air at 5 p.m. the notorious Jerry Springer Show, a smutty program they say is unsuited for that family-oriented hour. Particularly disturbing was the recent episode titled, “Parents Who Discuss Current Events With Their Children.”

The eyes of the nation will be upon Newport Nov. 3, when the town votes on an ordinance to ban topless lawn-mowing. While the media portray the issue as a clash between civil liberties and morality, locals know it has more do with a running feud between the mother of the well-tanned mower and her offended neighbor. It’s not about the Constitution, it’s just about grudges, revenge and retaliation. Your basic tat-for-whatever.

Rep. Henry Hyde, the 74-year-old Republican chairman of the Judiciary Committee that may launch impeachment proceedings against the president, admits to having a marriage-breaking affair with a mother of three from 1965 to 1969, but calls it “a youthful indiscretion.” Ah, to be 41 again.

Then there’s Rep Helen Chenoweth, Idaho arch-conservative and one of the first to call for Mr. Clinton’s resignation, who says the tryst in her past was a different story for two reasons: Although her boyfriend was married, she was divorced; and, in her own words, “I have asked for God’s forgiveness and I have received it.” OK, so she beat the adultery rap, but the Celestial Jury’s still deliberating the hypocrisy charge.

Finally, evidence that honesty lives; we just had to go to El Paso, Texas, to find it. Eight-year-old Seth Brown and his 5-year-old brother, Sam, found a bank bag containing $23,399 in a mall restroom Sunday. They gave it to their dad, who called police and got it back to its rightful owner, a forgetful and very appreciative local businessman. “We really didn’t do anything special,” said Seth. Maybe President Clinton should scrap his team of obfuscating, hair-splitting lawyers and just have a nice long chat with the Brown family.