“John Carpenter’s Vampires.” Directed by John Carpenter. Written by Don Jakoby, based on the novel “Vampire$” by John Steakley. Running time: 107 minutes. Rated R (for strong, graphic violence, nudity, language and sexuality).

Taking a clear and resounding cue from vampires everywhere, “John Carpenter’s Vampires” is pale, all right — and absolutely dead on screen. Whatever life it could have had has been sucked out by an anemic script, acting so bloated and awful it stuns one into a certain kind of cinematic submission, and a band of unlikable characters who are such misogynists, and so homophobic, you’ll want to drive stakes through them all.

The film fails to generate any chills or thrills, extended moments of tension or genuine suspense — a sacrilege in horror films. At best, “Vampires” is embarrassing; at worst, it’s simple-minded and ridiculous. But no part of the film is more disappointing than its star, James Woods, an Academy Award-nominated actor who has generated strong performances over the course of his career, but who has been horrifically miscast here.

“Vampires” makes the mistake of asking its audience to believe Woods as the fearsomely butch Jack Crow, a menacing, renegade vampire hunter whose own family was killed by vampires. Naturally, Crow feels compelled to rid the world of all vampires — particularly Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith), a master vampire who is seeking a 14th century cross that will allow him to exist in daylight.

But Woods is no fearsome screen creature — not by far. His slight, wiry body, dwarfed on screen by a head that is far too large for his small frame, is never threatening, not even when he summons the gods of masculinity before grimacing into the camera and shouting things such as: “Let’s go kill some vampires, padre!” Or, worse, to a departing vampire: “Vaya con Dios!”

Carpenter, whose 1978 film “Halloween” was a study in restraint, seems to have forgotten that it was precisely that restraint — along with the film’s likable characters — that made “Halloween” the enduring classic that it is. But “Vampires” has neither of these qualities; its gory violence is excessive, particularly against women, who are only here, it seems, to walk around naked, to be raped or to be brutally slapped around by men.

Pushing the taste envelope even further, Carpenter has Crow, his film’s hero, repeatedly fire off gay slurs while roughing up the film’s priests; the Catholic Church should love that. Later, he has Crow call the vampires “faggots” while watching them burn in the New Mexico sun.

This is entertainment? Hardly, which is precisely why the film remains such a peculiar puzzlement. Who, exactly, was Carpenter trying to entertain here? Neo-Nazis?

What remains most chilling about “Vampires” is that Carpenter is selling it as “John Carpenter’s Vampires.” Is the director trying to tell us that real evil exists? If so, so does retribution for work poorly done. Grade: F

Video of the Week

“Clockwatchers.” Directed by Jill Sprecher. Written by Jill and Karen Sprecher. Running time: 96 minutes. Rated PG-13 (for brief language).

If Todd Solondz, the controversial writer-director of “Welcome to the Dollhouse” and the current film “Happiness” made a film about the hell that is temporary employment, it very well might have been “Clockwatchers,” a biting commentary on human relationships in the workplace that, in its dark, wicked humor, finds a rare measure of honesty.

The film — as written by Jill and Karen Sprecher, two sisters who know and understand the pettiness temporary workers can endure from permanent staff members — is deceiving in its initial lightness of tone. Indeed, as the film meanders along on its surreal Muzak cloud, it gently strips away its characters’ dignity, eventually uncovering the painful desperation at their core.

The film, which follows the lives of four temporary office workers at a corporate behemoth called Global Credit, is spearheaded by Toni Collette, Parker Posey, Lisa Kudrow and Alanna Ubach, all of whom are strong in roles that could have been played for camp (and sometimes are, particularly from Posey, who remains imminently watchable), but are more often infused with a clear measure of respect.

Take a memo: “Clockwatchers” is a find. Grade: A-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear each Monday in the NEWS. Each Thursday on WLBZ’s “NewsCenter 5:30 Today,” he reviews what’s new and worth renting in video stores.