A UMaine parent sends along the the following newsclipping from The Maine Campus “Sex Matters” column by Associate Professor Sandra L. Caron: “What is this new sex position that’s supposed to lead to amazing orgasms … Have you heard of it? I need details! Male, Senior”

The professor’s answer, published in the Dec. 4 Campus, describes Coital Alignment Technique in a way that is a tad too, um, technical to reprint here. She concludes by advising Male, Senior that, although CAT may seem awkward at first, it’s just “like learning to ride a bike.”

The parent asks: “Is this what professors at UMaine teach these days? An editorial in the BDN would be appropriate.”

OK, here goes: The inclusion of vivid details regarding a method of sexual intercourse, no matter how profound the result, in a student-oriented publication of the state’s flagship institution of higher education raises several important questions. Like, exactly what kind of bike does Prof. Caron ride?

Speaking of you-know-what, this valuable information comes from Snowshoer magazine: Vigorous mushing burns roughly three times the calories as vigorous you-know-whating. Plus, nobody ever got impeached for lying about snowshoeing.

The artist Christo is famous for wrapping large things — such as 11 Florida islands and Germany’s Reichstag — in acres of polyester fabric. Don’t ask why. Now, he’s using 416,000-square feet of fabric and 14 miles of rope to wrap 163 trees in a Riehen, Switzerland, park adjacent to an art museum. The artist/public nuisance is proud of his creation, crowing that more than 500,000 visitors are expected during the month-long display. With the neighboring museum offering a concurrent exhibition of works by Picasso, Chagall and Cezanne, do you think there’s any chance a few of those visitors might just be taking a short cut through the park to get to the good stuff?

Given the choice of statehood, independence or remaining a U.S. commonwealth, a majority of Puerto Ricans checked off “none of the above” in a referendum Sunday. Something to keep in mind as the 2000 presidential race get under way.

The normally splendid Maine community of Buxton is having its own struggle with self-governance. Seems the board of selectmen has booted the Toy Box, a long-time project to bring Christmas to needy children, out of the Town Hall, saying it takes up too much space and staff time. “I’m not the Grinch who stole Christmas,” says Selectwoman Sylvia Young. Tell that to the locals petitioning to either recall the board or change the town’s name to Whoville.

Need an antidote for prevaricating presidents, Scroogish selectmen and polyester industry shills posing as artists? Try the Santa’s Helper Fund, a project of this newspaper to assist the Salvation Army provide food, clothing and toys to struggling Maine families this holiday season. Write a check, mail it to Santa’s Helper Fund, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor ME 04401-1329. Relief will be immediate. And it’s easier than learning to ride a bike.