Dads need to teach kids boundaries

Just like a game, life has rules, limitations and boundaries. And as with any new game, everyone has to be taught the rules — especially kids. They don’t come into the world knowing how everything works. They arrive naked, innocent and completely ignorant of virtually every physical function of life. They have to be taught that the stove is hot. They have to be taught to tie their shoes and brush their teeth. They also have to be taught what behaviors are and are not acceptable. That’s where dads come in.

We teach our kids the finer points of life. We model for them restraint and convention, whether it’s physical, emotional or social. We set for them the “rules” of life.

One of the most basic “rules,” one of a dad’s most basic jobs, is to teach his kids emotional boundaries. How to deal peacefully with anger, insults or disappointments. How to show gratitude, happiness and — when they’re called for — even tears. By our examples of generosity, we show our kids how important it is to be kind to other people. When we stand firm against temper tantrums, we teach them that being disappointed about something is OK, but making a public spectacle of it is not. Every time we hug, kiss or hold them, we model for them how to accept and show love.

Dads also have the job of teaching kids social restraint: that in the classroom, you should respect your teachers. That you shouldn’t belch in public, but when it’s unavoidable, you should say “excuse me.” That you should say “please,” “thank you” and “excuse me.” That you shouldn’t talk to strangers or hit anyone. We demonstrate all the things that being a man, a gentleman and a good person is all about. Through words and deeds, we teach them the “right” ways to behave. Our actions now guide them into behavior patterns that last a lifetime.

Here are some other healthy limits you can establish for your kids: — Play Down the Law. Playing is a great way for dads to start laying down the “rules” of life. Through physical play, we can teach our kids physical limits. As one astute reader from San Jose pointed out to us in an e-mail, “During play, children are also looking for and expecting boundaries and leadership from their parents. They expect lines to be drawn in the sand. This is fun; this is silly. This is teasing; this is being hurtful. This is wrestling; this is fighting. This is when to keep going, and this is when to stop. Take the time to draw these lines.”

It’s often difficult to define these rules, however, until they’ve been broken. It’s hard to tell the difference between enough and too much roughhousing until someone gets hurt. When that happens, when the boundaries are crossed, it’s our job to take the time RIGHT THEN to talk about them.

If we broke them, we must apologize and explain why we were wrong. If our kids do, we must help them understand why they were wrong.

Money Matters. To help your kids learn some restraint when it comes to spending money, try playing a game that simulates the dynamics of finances. Monopoly is a great example. In this game players “earn” money and then get opportunities to spend or save it. Their choices can lead to either financial success or bankruptcy. It illustrates how important it is to save and spend wisely, and it’s a fun way to help your kids learn to make good decisions.

For older kids, let them help you write out your credit card bills. They see credit cards used every day, but few see the end results. They’re rarely around when the bills come in. The act of actually sitting down with you to pay these bills will help them learn an important financial lesson: That even though you’re paying with plastic, you’re using real money. And that exercising financial restraint by spending only what you can afford each month is an important part of being a responsible adult.

Write “The Rules” Together. When creating “house rules” for your children, include them in the process. Talk about what each of you considers to be reasonable behavior and what’s not — what is an acceptable bedtime, what is a reasonable age to start wearing lip gloss, whether it’s appropriate to wear the same T-shirt for four days in a row.

When you and your kids disagree over a limit, listen to their side of the story. Explain to them why you feel the way you do. They may be angry, but at least they’ll know you respect their viewpoint.

We’d love to hear your about how you help your children learn limits. Send your thoughts to: twodads(at)EurekaRanch.com or (by snail mail) to Eureka! Ranch, 3849 Edwards Road, Newtown, Ohio 45103, ATTN: DAD.

The Two Dads are: Doug Hall, director of Great Aspirations!, a nonprofit parent research and education organization, and Dr. Russ Quaglia, director of the National Center for Student Aspirations at the University of Maine. Send questions and comments to twodads(at) EurekaRanch.com.