‘Universal Soldier’ didn’t return smarter

“Universal Soldier: The Return”

The innocence of incompetence is on full display in Mic Rodgers’ highly unanticipated film, “Universal Soldier: The Return,” a movie that features the action star Jean-Claude Van Damme and his magical, self-laundering shirt, a tight-fitting, olive-green creation that has the remarkable ability of appearing badly soiled in one scene — and surprisingly spotless in the next.

The film, which follows 1992’s “Universal Soldier” and two made-for-cable television movies, is filled with just this sort of inconsistency, which is no great wonder since it is the directorial debut of Rodgers, a former stuntman who may have been shot out of one too many cannons.

The film arrives in late August, a time when studios traditionally dump those movies they’re certain will be dumped by audiences. “Return” is no exception, but it is something of an overachiever; indeed, it actually smells like the dump.

It’s easy to make fun of films such as “Return”; clearly, this critic isn’t above doing so. But it is a fault of the genre that the glory and splendor of the special effects seem to forever supersede characters, situations and dialogue.

Action films of this sort — those whose thinly realized souls belong to science fiction — are for audiences not interested in people. They want pyrotechnics, gun fights, the occasionally blown off head. If done well, such as in the “Terminator” movies, the ride can be fun. But when done badly, such as in “Return,” the entire production is reduced to camp, a pop-culture emptiness that asks its characters (and its audiences) to respond to this kind of dialogue: “I don’t care if he’s dead! Next time he grabs me, I’ll kill him!” Or, worse, “Visible light we can see!”

It seems beside the point to discuss the plot and characters in “Return”; since they’re just shells for the weakly choreographed action, they hardly matter.

But what will matter to some is that Bill Goldberg, the popular wrestler with the popular growl, has been brought on board to play a villain named Romeo Unit. Since Romeo is never amorous, his name remains something of a mystery, but that’s part of Goldberg’s appeal, I suppose, his broad-chested mystery.

Too bad the film’s advertising people don’t see it that way. On the film’s unintentionally hilarious Web site (www.universalsoldier.com), Goldberg is described as “a giant six-foot-plus Energizer Bunny who takes a licking but keeps on ticking … He’s the Energizer Bunny on steroids!”

As flattering as that sounds, it’s Goldberg himself who offers some real insight about himself and his character: “I love it, I get to be me,” he says on the Web site. “No acting lessons for this role. If I would have written the script, I don’t think I would have altered it a bit for my character, except for the fact that I probably would’ve killed a couple more people.”

Brilliant.

Grade: F

On Video

“The Celebration”

Thomas Vinterberg’s “The Celebration” makes Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez’s “The Blair Witch Project” seem downright archaic.

The film, which was made before “Witch,” employs fresh, sometimes startling elements that can be directly attributed to Dogma 95, the Danish filmmakers’ collective that demands, at its heart, cinematic purity from bare-bones production.

Shot directly on video with hand-held cameras, the film has been blown up to 35-mm, giving it a vital, slightly grainy look that complements the occasional horror of what’s unfolding on screen, while only rarely detracting from it.

Following Dogma 95’s so-called “Vow of Chastity,” everything seen and heard in “The Celebration” is natural: the sound, the sets, the lighting.

Just as in “Witch,” nothing here has been embellished with special camera work, music or with computerized effects. But unlike “Witch,” “Celebration” fits no genre because genre films have been deemed unacceptable.

The Vow — itself entertaining — reads like the gushing of a hopeful young idealist. An excerpt: “I swear as a director to refrain from personal taste! I am no longer an artist. My supreme goal is to force the truth out of my characters and settings. I swear to do so by all means available and at the cost of any good taste and any aesthetic considerations.”

No, Spielberg has not signed on, but what may surprise some is how effective these dictums are in helping to create one of last year’s more interesting films.

On one level, “The Celebration” is about the birthday celebration of a wealthy 60-year-old man; on another, it is about the disgrace and vilification of that man by his remaining three children. But as well as the film’s story is written, and as strong as its performances are, the film is compelling primarily because Vinterberg’s hand-held camera is used as a tool to implicate the audience as a guest at this party.

With his camera constantly seeking the action as it unfolds, we become part of the crowd, dodging the stinging, verbal bullets crisscrossing the festooned tables like deadly warheads. It is great fun to watch — farce hinging on the unwanted, uncomfortable, embarrassing truth. Don’t miss it.

Grade: A-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His film reviews appear each Monday and Thursday in the NEWS. Tonight on WLBZ’s “News Center 5:30 Today” and “News Center Tonight,” he appears in The Video Corner.