’13th Warrior’ a twisted bloodbath

“The 13th Warrior.” Directed by John McTiernan. Written by William Wisher and Warren Lewis. Running time: 103 minutes. Rated R.

Based on Michael Crichton’s 1976 novel “Eaters of the Dead,” John McTiernan’s “The 13th Warrior” is part “Beowulf” and part true story — if you can believe that after seeing it.

Thunderously loud and filled with buckets of bloody action, this Iron Age predecessor to Wrestlemania stars Antonio Banderas as Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan, a cultured, 10th century Arab poet who makes the mistake of making eyes at a king’s wife.

Expelled from Baghdad, Ahmed hits the road with his servant Melchisidek (Omar Sharif), and reluctantly finds himself swinging swords with a dozen big blond barbarians fighting a band of cannibalistic, cave-dwelling Viking hillbillies — a group of Norse warriors who look as if they come from the Lost Isle of Chippendale Dancers.

The film, which was shelved by Touchstone Pictures for more than a year before the studio finally released it (never a good sign, but brave in this case), is a convoluted mess of beheadings and rampant gore that’s so bloody, it makes Sissy Spacek look freshly shampooed in the climactic scene of “Carrie.”

Not that any of this is steeped in any sort of originality; the film borrows shamelessly from other films, including Richard Fleischer’s “The Vikings” (1958), Akira Kurosawa’s “The Seven Samurai” (1954), and Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart” (1995). It’s nowhere near as good as those films, but it does entertain in spite of itself. Indeed, with all of its grunts and groans — not to mention Banderas’ heavy eyeliner (look out Tammy Faye) — we haven’t seen this kind of excess since the late 1980s.

Grade: C+

“Dudley Do-Right.” Written and directed by Hugh Wilson. Running time: 75 minutes. Rated PG.

Oh, Canada. Poor, poor Canada.

After the flogging our neighbors to the north received in “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut,” they now have to contend with Hugh Wilson’s “Dudley Do-Right,” a cheerful, yet ultimately lackluster exercise in stupidity that makes the Royal Canadian Mounted Police look as if they’ve fallen off one too many horses.

Which, of course, is the point. The film, based on Jay Ward’s animated television series, has enough silly, slapstick humor to appeal to very young children, those who will grin — rather than grimace — at the film’s favorite and much-overused gag: Dudley (Brendan Fraser) being smacked in the face after stepping on a loose plank.

But adults hoping for a bit of nostalgia should go mount a different horse. “Do-Right” doesn’t give Fraser, Sarah Jessica Parker or Alfred Molina enough to do — and at a brief 75 minutes, that does an audience wrong.

Grade: C-

Christopher Smith’s “Week in Rewind” appears each Thursday in The Scene. Each Tuesday on WLBZ’s “News Center 5:30 Today” and “News Center Tonight,” he appears in Cinema Center.