Madonna unconvincing in `Next Best Thing’

In theaters

“The Next Best Thing.” Directed by John Schlesinger. Written by Thomas Ropelewski. Running time: 110 minutes. Rated PG-13.

What immediately becomes clear in John Schlesinger’s “The Next Best Thing,” is that Madonna can’t do vulnerability and do it well. She can’t play a victim, she can’t do sentiment, and God knows she can’t play a needy woman.

The problem isn’t just that we know too much about Madonna and her iron will, but that she simply isn’t a strong enough actress to make us believe that she would be crushed quite so easily and so completely after being dumped by a boyfriend, which is precisely what happens at the start of this unfortunate film.

Madonna’s talent — and God knows she has talent — rests in roles that lean on her strength as a strong woman. Her performance in “Evita,” for instance, proved that she can be smashingly effective as a dictator’s wife. Every time she threw her fist into the air and barked out an order, audiences sat a little higher in their seats.

She was believable as Eva Peron just as she was believable as a wise street urchin in “Desperately Seeking Susan,” a tough-talking softball player in “A League of Their Own,” and a conniving harpy in “Dick Tracy.”

But soften Madonna for an extended period of time and the entire effort falls apart. That’s just the case in “The Next Best Thing,” a film that wants audiences to believe Madonna as Abbie, a yoga instructor who can’t, for the life of her, get a man and keep him.

Well, a straight man, at least. You see, Abbie is so convinced she’ll never find the marrying type, she goes for the next best thing, her gay best friend Robert (Rupert Everett), and has a child with him.

Things go swimmingly until Abbie meets Ben (Benjamin Bratt), a strapping businessman who sweeps her and her son Sam (Malcolm Stumpf) off their feet. They all fall in love within five minutes, decide to marry and then decide to move from Los Angeles to New York, where Ben has been offered a partnership at his law firm. That’s when this film becomes “Kramer vs. Kramer” lite. Indeed, when Abbie tells Robert she’s hitting the road with their son, Robert decides to fight for custody of Sam in court.

None of this is very interesting to watch unfold, and that’s because, in spite of the close friendship shared by Madonna and Everett offscreen, they have zero chemistry together onscreen. Madonna always seems to be playing catch-up with her co-star, watching him perform while she herself tries to spit out someone else’s words. Oh, and about those words — Madonna speaks them in the same faux, halting English accent she’s been trying out for years at award shows, but the accent doesn’t work. It just minimizes her appeal even more.

Can this piece of fluff really have come from John Schlesinger, who directed the classic films “Darling,” “The Day of the Locust,” “Sunday Bloody Sunday” and “Midnight Cowboy”? Apparently. But what was he thinking? “The Next Best Thing” showcases none of his usually sharp instincts because it doesn’t know what it wants to be — a light, effervescent comedy about the unique relationship between a gay man and a straight woman, or a film that seriously and thoughtfully tackles how gay people are discriminated against in our culture.

Too bad Schlesinger didn’t choose which film he wanted to shoot before his cameras started to roll.

Grade: D

On video

“The Sixth Sense.” Written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Running time: 107 minutes. Rated PG-13.

The very best thing about M. Night Shyamalan’s terrific film “The Sixth Sense” is its restraint, which shows across the board in its tight script, solid directing, strong performances, and those few, yet extremely effective, moments when Shyamalan chooses to frighten his audience with the paranormal.

Satisfying on many levels, this film, which didn’t win any of its six Academy Award nominations, recalls in structure and in form some of the best horror films of the 1970s, particularly “The Omen,” “The Exorcist,” “The Changeling” and “The Legacy.” Just as in those films, “Sense” gives evil an opportunity to roam along the fringes of a well-developed story before allowing that evil to spread its wings at center stage.

After the horror debacles “The Haunting,” “The House on Haunted Hill” and “Bats,” it’s nice to see a director willing to hold back.

But what’s even better about this film is Bruce Willis’ surprisingly good performance as Dr. Malcolm Crowe, a child psychologist who gradually comes to understand things about himself through his relationship with Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment), a young boy who can literally see the walking dead. Willis is very good here; at last, he has toned down his macho act and seems human because of it. With Toni Collette (“Muriel’s Wedding”) in a breakout, Academy Award-nominated performance as Cole’s deeply anguished mother, “The Sixth Sense” has a strong sense of what makes a sophisticated horror film work.

Grade: A-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Monday and Thursday in the NEWS, Tuesday and Thursday on WLBZ’s “NEWS CENTER 5:30 Today” and “NEWS CENTER Tonight,” and Saturday and Sunday on NEWS CENTER’s statewide “Morning Report.”

THE VIDEO CORNER

Renting a video? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores.

Jacob the Liar D Last Night B- The Sixth Sense A- The Omega Code F Pokemon: The First Movie C- Crazy in Alabama C Drive Me Crazy C+ Guinevere A- The Limey A Outside Providence C+ Eyes Wide Shut B+ Buena Vista Social Club B+ The Bone Collector C+ Twin Falls Idaho A The Best Man B Random Hearts C- Stigmata C- Bats C Brokedown Palace C+ Double Jeopardy B- An Ideal Husband A- The Story of Us D The Astronaut’s Wife D- The Winslow Boy A- Runaway Bride C- Stir of Echoes A- Tarzan B+