Brainless `Skulls’ fails on multiple levels

In theaters — “The Skulls” Directed by Rob Cohen. Written by John Pogue. Running time: 107 minutes. Rated PG-13.

In the hilariously awful thriller “The Skulls,” director Rob Cohen and screenwriter John Pogue apparently have seen Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” and Roman Polanski’s “The Ninth Gate” a few too many times.

In this brainless, numbskull of a movie, they ask audiences to once again suffer a bunch of rich fools putting on dark cloaks for bizarre rituals held at swanky gothic mansions. Been there, disrobed for that, don’t care to do so again.

The difference in “Skulls” is who is putting on these cloaks: an elite, secret group of Ivy League morons who not only want to rule the world, but who also — apparently — want to get it on with as many pricey prostitutes as they can. And who says a good education can’t buy class?

The film stars Joshua Jackson from “Dawson’s Creek,” which is perfectly fitting since this piece of fluff sends the actor straight up a creek without a clue. Clearly inspired by Yale’s Skull and Bones society (the filmmakers deny this for good reason), of which the GOP’s own George Dubya was a member, the film follows Jackson’s Luke McNamara, who is tapped by the Skulls to have a life of privilege and bounty.

Almost immediately, Luke is given — on the basis of his broad shoulders, high cheekbones and way-cool rowing ability — a $20,000 membership gift, a ’63 T-bird convertible, and access to sophistication, prestige, power and wealth. Good for him.

Well, not so good for him. After a pretty weird hazing ritual that includes drugs and coffins — you have to see it to believe it — Luke learns that the Skulls aren’t good ol’ boys at all. That’s right, they’re murderers. But can Luke get out of the society alive?.

What do you think?

Dumb doesn’t begin to describe this movie — the gunfights are particularly funny — so here are a few words that do — laughable, embarrassing, emotionally dead, creatively bankrupt, woefully inept. The only thing that saves “The Skulls” is the fact that it ends.

Grade: D-

On video

“Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace” Written and directed by George Lucas. Running time: 133 minutes. Rated PG.

What confounds while watching “Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace” is how George Lucas could have missed what made the original “Star Wars” and its two sequels such classics.

It wasn’t just their special effects that lifted audiences up and away with euphoria (although that was certainly part of it), but the overall sense of mystery, the sudden twists and turns, the strong characters and the electric chemistry between characters that carried his film to legendary status.

“Menace” certainly knows how to use its brilliant special effects to lift audiences out of their seats, but that’s essentially where this film’s magic ends.

The problem isn’t just that “Menace” lacks the epic mystery fans expect — after all the hype, most know before seeing the film that young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) will turn to the Dark Side and become Darth Vadar, Luke Skywalker’s father — but that there’s no chemistry between the characters. It just isn’t there as it was between Han Solo and Princess Leia, R2D2 and Luke, C3P0 and Chewbacca. As Jedi warriors Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi Wan Kenobi, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are largely wasted and often just look stoned. Lucas is more concerned with their expertly choreographed sword fights and pseudo-philosophizing about the elusive Force than he is in giving us a feel for who these men are and how they came to The Force.

Because of this oversight, “The Phantom Menace” lacks soul.

But not action, certainly not thrills, and hardly an artistic vision. Every scene in “Menace” teems with a vision that’s richly unparalleled, from the elaborate costumes worn by Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman), whose planet Naboo is under siege by the evil Sith, to the slick cinematography, to the gripping, unrelenting action sequences that are absolutely breathtaking.

Just as he did in “Star Wars,” Lucas has raised the bar for special effects, this time into the stratosphere. By seamlessly wedding live action to computer animation in ways that make “Jurassic Park” look downright crude, he has created a brave new world for technicians and directors alike. Finally, we’ve reached a period in film where — visually speaking, at least — anything is possible. Anything. It seems only fitting that George Lucas has taken us there.

There’s so much to admire in “Menace,” it ultimately deserves to be seen for its universe of triumphs. This is shrewd filmmaking that has its missteps. Watching the movie, one gets excited by where film is going, if not so much by where humanity is going.

Lucas has wisely protected his multibillion-dollar franchise by making a film targeted at children and adolescents; it gives them exactly what they want — eye-popping eye candy that moves at light speed.

But is The Force still with Lucas? It is, but he has shifted the power behind it. Perhaps mirroring the times, The Force now has less to do with a late 1970s spirituality than it does with a late 1990s Pentium III crushing chip.

Grade: B.

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Thursdays in the NEWS, Tuesdays and Thursdays on WLBZ’s “NEWSCENTER 5:30 Today” and “NEWS CENTER Tonight,” and Saturdays and Sundays on NEWS CENTER’s statewide “Morning Report.”

THE VIDEO CORNER

Renting a video? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores.

Boys Don’t Cry A For Love of the Game B The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Ark C- Star Wars: The Phantom Menace B Jacob the Liar D Last Night B- The Sixth Sense A- The Omega Code F Pokemon: The First Movie C- Crazy in Alabama C Drive me Crazy C+ Guinevere A- The Limey A Outside Providence C+ Eyes Wide Shut B+ Buena Vista Social Club B+ The Bone Collector C+ Twin Falls Idaho A The Best Man B Random Hearts C- Stigmata C- Bats C Brokedown Palace C+ Double Jeopardy B- An Ideal Husband A- The Story of Us D The Astronaut’s Wife D- The Winslow Boy A- Runaway Bride C- Stir of Echoes A- Tarzan B+