In theaters

BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Directed by Roger Christian. Written by Corey Mandell and J.D. Shapiro, based on the novel by L. Ron Hubbard. Running time: 117 minutes. Rated PG-13.

Save your money! Save your time! Save yourselves!

Roger Christian’s “Battlefield Earth” puts audiences directly under attack with a film that’s so mind-bendingly awful, disjointed and weak, it feels as if it were written, produced, directed and acted by a bunch of hillbilly, trailer-trash troglodytes. And I’m being kind.

Based on Ron L. Hubbard’s novel of the same name, “Battlefield Earth” is a cosmic wasteland of pockmarks and potholes, and features characters so grotesque, their green grinning mouths and rotten teeth so dirty and furry and vile, the only way to counter the staggering effect of their foul, grunting presence is to mainline penicillin midway through.

This movie wouldn’t entertain a monkey. Everybody involved either looks like Doris Duke five years in the grave or like Milli Vanilli cross-pollinated with Whoopi Goldberg and Loretta Young. You can imagine how unsettling that is.

When people weren’t noisily getting up to walk out, some paused long enough to gape in horror at the film’s unfathomable dialogue, a sampling of which would curl a Hun’s toes: “If man animal prefers his rat uncooked, that makes our job that much easier!”

Mine too, buddy.

The film stars John Travolta in the lead, but what was he thinking to star in this? Yes, Travolta is nuts about Scientology, the religion founded by Hubbard, but is he so blinded by his faith that he’d agree to star in a film that makes “Amazon Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death” look like the film of the century? Apparently so.

Still, here he is barking out orders as Terl, an evil alien from planet Psychlo who sports a headful of dusty dreadlocks, dirty ropes of twine spooling out of his dirty nose, and massive clawlike hands that look exactly like something you’d find at Spencer Gifts around Halloween — or on a certain episode of “Seinfeld.”

Cheap doesn’t begin to describe the film’s special effects, but they’re gold compared to the mucky plot, which lands with a thud in the year 3000. As the film opens, humans are an endangered species and Earth is being stripped of her natural resources by the evil Psychlods. Will the humans, led by Jonnie “Goodboy” Tyler (Barry Pepper), be able to rise up against and thwart the Psychlods?

What do you think?

If this film were an intentional homage to Ed Wood, all could have been forgiven. But it’s no homage. It’s just bad. Bad bad. So bad, in fact, that it vindicates Ed Wood’s entire career while managing to bury itself 6 feet under our terribly embarrassed, battle-stricken Earth. Grade: F-

On video

THE STRAIGHT STORY. Directed by David Lynch. Written by Mary Sweeney and John Roach. Running time: 111 minutes. Rated G.

The power of surprise is still well within David Lynch’s grasp.

Best-known for his tango with the bizarre, the director of “Wild at Heart,” “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet” and “Lost Highway” turns his career on its side with his excellent film, “The Straight Story.”

Backed by Walt Disney Pictures and slapped with a family-friendly G rating, the film, at first glimpse, seems so benign, some might feel the provocative filmmaker has lost his edge, certainly what made his work so unique, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“The Straight Story” is unique; it is daring. It proves that Lynch is an artist still far and away from the mainstream. Based on a true story, his latest is a slow-moving treasure that brilliantly snubs a cinematic culture hooked on special effects.

The film isn’t slick, but it’s polished. It follows Alvin Straight (Richard Farnsworth, in an Academy Award-nominated performance), a 73-year-old man from Laurens, Iowa, who wants to see his estranged, dying brother one last time.

Poor of health and weak of eyesight, Straight can’t drive a car — neither can his mentally retarded daughter, Rose (Sissy Spacek). But he can drive a 1966 John Deere lawn mower, which he rides slowly across hundreds of miles of America’s stunning heartland — and straight into his own emotional reawakening.

In a film that forces audiences to stop and savor all that lies before them — whether it be Alvin’s life or their own — “The Straight Story” is a quiet triumph from a director newly charged by life. Grade: A

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Monday and Thursday in the NEWS, Tuesday and Thursday on WLBZ’s “NEWS CENTER 5:30 Today” and “NEWS CENTER Tonight,” and Saturday and Sunday on NEWS CENTER’s statewide “Morning Report.”