A how-to list for UMaine’s new coach

To: Sharon Versyp RE: Welcome to Maine From: John Holyoke

Dear Sharon: Congratulations on your new job! I knew you were the perfect fit all along! Welcome! Welcome!

Before we start, I have a favor to ask.

I’d really, really appreciate it if you ignored the column I wrote last week … you know, the one where I said that Ann Hancock would be the perfect fit for the University of Maine, and that you were unacceptable. That’s not what I wrote. Ummm … the editors must have messed it up … you know how those things happen. I picked YOU!

Come on, Sharon. You know you were my first choice all along. I’m on your side!

As a matter of fact, I’ve already forgotten the fact that you never called me back when I was snooping around on Monday, trying to figure out the identity of the new Bear boss.

And I’ve already forgotten the fact that the only person who did call me back was some woman named Ann Hancock.

I’ve also forgotten that line in your bio – you know, the one in the James Madison University media guide – that sounded so familiar and made me so nervous. The one that said “Ten years from now, I hope to be: a head coach in the Big Ten.”

Let’s start fresh. My name is John. It is not, as you may have heard from the previous hoop administration, Satan, nor Jerk, nor Mr. Negative, nor Horse’s (expletive deleted).

I do not hate Cindy Blodgett. I do not stop at car wrecks, kick dogs, nor steal candy from babies (unless I’m really hungry).

I do, however, have some tips that will help you avoid the pitfalls that have befallen others. Some are general. Others are specific. Many are totally self-serving. Try these:

Do not refer to yourself as a Mainer after you’ve been here for six months. You will be laughed at, scowled at, or ignored. Here’s a hint: My sister was born in Pennsylvania and has lived here for 32 years. Don’t tell her I told you, but we’re still not sure she’s a Mainer.

Do not talk about what kind of a jerk I am in front of A) another media member; B) another fisherman; or C) the Belfast Rotary or any fraternal group that wears funny hats. They already know. I will hear about it. And I might cry.

Do not say what you think we ink-stained wretches want to hear. Say what you think. We might not like it, but we’ll respect it. And you.

Encourage your players to do the same.

Don’t say nothing about something when you think you’re saying something about nothing. We don’t like that, either.

Confused? In your first media conference call, you said, “I think that you need a good system to really enhance the system that I want to bring in.” (If this really does make sense and I’m being stupid, tell me so. It won’t be the first time. Or the last.)

Do not complain about the weather, even if all the Mainers around you are. You chose to come here. We didn’t. That gives us the right to bitch.

Eat a red hot dog.

Do not say “ayuh.” We earned that one, too. See also: wicked, corker and chummy.

Buy a boat or a snowmobile.

Do not play a matchup zone for more than five minutes consecutively.

Get a technical foul once in awhile. Fiery female coaches are cool. Fiery male coaches are trying to be like Bobby Knight.

Oh, and one more thing: Always call back. Please.

Sincerely,

John

John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter.