Book makes parent-child relationship easier

Are you tired of nagging your children about chores or homework? Do you feel drained by frequent arguments and power struggles? Do you give in when it goes against your instincts to buy peace – especially in public places? When your child’s teacher hails you, do you cringe, thinking, “What’s he or she done now?” Don’t despair. You have a friend.

Dr. Sal Severe, author of “How to Behave so Your Children Will, Too!” asserts parents have the right to enjoy their children. Too often long-standing patterns of misconduct get in the way of this. But it’s not too late to replace them with cooperative behavior and discover the pleasures of raising children.

Four basic themes run through Severe’s candid, parent-friendly book. Kids act the ways they do to get a payoff; we may keep negative patterns alive by our own actions. Discipline is far more than punishment. Recognizing and rewarding the good things our sons and daughters do have to be key elements. And consistency is very important.

Severe urges parents to look carefully at the aggravating things their children often do. What keeps them alive? Is a parent’s reaction rewarding even if it may not seem so from an adult perspective? Giving in to tantrums can convey the idea that Junior can get his or her own way by just being obnoxious enough. Negative attention – a scolding or spanking – can feel preferable to no attention at all. Modeling the very acts you want to nip in the bud in your offspring also can create problems.

Severe cautions parents not to confuse discipline with punishment or authority with control. Punishment, often administered in anger, controls a child and stops annoying behavior for a while. A punished child can feel he or she has paid the price or can seek revenge for pain and humiliation. Discipline helps a child gain internal controls. The parents teach good decision-making, setting up a system of incentives that reward good choices and discourage poor ones. The cause-effect relationship between behaviors and consequences fosters responsibility rather than blaming or anger.

Catching children being good and rewarding them is a cornerstone of Severe’s advice. He describes a situation common in many homes. Two brothers watch television companionably. Dad works at his computer. Then a fight erupts and the boys have their father’s undivided attention.

“What is the easiest way to capture your attention – sitting quietly or misbehaving?” he asks. “When children do not receive attention in a positive way, they will get your attention in any way they can.”

Being consistent with promised consequences – even when you’re tired or stressed, even when it makes you feel like a monster – also is crucial in Severe’s book. Giving in now and then can keep alive in a child’s mind the possibility of getting his or her own way. Severe compares this to the persistence of many adults pumping money into slot machines for an occasional jackpot. Inconsistency also detracts from the cause-effect relationship you’re striving for and fosters arguments and power struggles.

Fortunately Severe understands lapses. “If you have a bad day, put it behind you. If you give in, do not dwell on it. If you are short on patience, regain your balance. Being patient and consistent is not easy. If you slip back into old habits, do not criticize yourself. Start fresh. Think of the future.”

Severe has been a school psychologist for 25 years. He’s the clinical director of Flor del Sol alternative school in Phoenix, Ariz. He also conducts parenting workshops and is actively involved in raising and enjoying his own children.