Earlier this week we denizens of Near North Nowhere were notified that some of UMaine’s supposedly good friends in the America East Conference had conspired (oops, decided) to pick up their collective ball and go … south.

No more hair-raising rides on the “vomit comet” that flies into Bangor for this bunch. No more icy bus rides into the Green Mountains. No more dodging the Big Dig. No more visits to Hartford … did I mention that their plan does have some merit?

This fearsome foursome decided to jump ship (realign themselves) into a league called the Colonial Athletic Association, which is made up of “likeminded” schools.

You might not have heard about this move, of course, because you’re just a hick from Maine, after all, and as such you were probably out back mucking out the moose barn or something when the big news hit.

Of course, as one of the people who gets paid to get worked up about things like this, I took the day off from moose-mucking and paid very close attention.

After checking my atlas for the state of Drexel (I found it right between the commonwealths of Hofstra and Towson, and right next to the capital of the secessionists, Delaware), I had the only reaction I could as a semi-grumpy Mainer who’d just found out that State U had just been jilted … again.

“Dela-who?” I asked myself.

Soon, I realized that there are plenty of things about the southern America East schools that are great! Fantastic! Wonderful!

Like … umm. … OK. Spring. At these schools, you don’t even have to shovel the snow off second base.

And there’s other cool stuff. Like at Delaware, they’ve got a remote-controlled blimp that buzzes around the Carpenter Center during pregame warmups. I’ve never been to Hofstra, Drexel or Towson, but I bet, being “likeminded schools,” they’ve probably got their own blimps.

And Delaware has great food, too. Ever been to Klondike Kate’s? It’s hard to believe that I’ll never be able to get an almost-Philly cheese steak again after 2003, unless maw and paw and I load up the truck and head to the big city just for fun.

After drying my tears on a nearby doughnut, I decided to craft a memo to the secessionists, just to prove that I was paying attention and could read, rite, and cipher:

Dear Delaware and cronies: Thank you for your thoughtful Christmas gift to the rest of America East. (Since, as you are always telling us, you Blue Hens win the trophy as the league’s top athletic school every year, it was very nice of you to give some other lowly, undeserving school the chance to win it beginning in 2003).

Upon further review, however, we’ve decided … how do I say this delicately … OK. Remember that Christmas special with the red-nosed guy? Well, we’ve decided that you four are no longer invited to play any reindeer games either. And Delaware? We’re not going to bring our six “likeminded jilted schools” to town for the men’s hoop tourney in March.

Also, in an effort to replicate the home court advantage you’ve held over the past few years, we’ve decided to hold this year’s event in Madawaska. Outdoors.

Oh. I almost forgot! You can’t come. Neither can the other quitters (I mean ‘likeminded’ schools).

We’ve also decided to offer provisional membership to Husson, UM-Fort Kent, Eastern Maine Tech and Beal College. And you thought you were irreplaceable!

P.S.: I thought you might want to know that since you folks aren’t going to be flying into Bangor anymore, we’ll probably have to shut down the airport and a couple of our better motels. My Uncle Buford will have to go back to lobster juggling at birthday parties just to make sure he can afford to put new tires on the skidder this year.

John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter.