Parents Try Workshops For Kids’ Sake Programs help ease negative impact of divorce on children

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Still smarting from a divorce years ago, Tim Sinclair couldn’t have known that a parent education workshop last summer would bring him to a turning point.

“When I walked out, I felt elated,” he said. “The program took away the bitterness. It helped me put things in perspective. The heck with what I feel – this is about making the kids’ lives better.”

Sinclair is one of a number of area residents who credit For Kids’ Sake with helping them understand that they can lessen the impact of divorce on their children by keeping them out of the middle.

Even couples who don’t see eye to eye can put aside their personal grievances and co-parent peacefully, Sinclair knows now.

“When [divorced] parents keep their kids’ interests first and foremost, they can pretty much talk about anything,” he said.

One of 15 classes statewide that family court either mandates or strongly recommends, For Kids’ Sake is based on research that says children are affected less by divorce than by the dissension that often accompanies it. With about 8,000 divorces each year in Maine, a lot of dissension remains to deal with.

Indications are that children who come from homes with high-conflict divorces are more at risk for developing mental health problems, becoming involved in the criminal system and acting out and underperforming at school.

“Divorce is bad for kids, but they can get through it. It’s the conflict that’s a horror for kids and that could have a lasting, scarring effect,” said John Lorenz, Bangor psychologist and president of the For Kids’ Sake board of directors.

Known by different names depending upon the location in which they are offered, the classes have received ringing endorsements from judges, lawyers and case management officers who witness daily the havoc that divorce can wreak on children.

“A number of people have come back and said the class really opened their eyes,” said Bruce Jordan, case management officer at 3rd District Court in Bangor.

“And in some really heavily contested cases, I’ve heard from attorneys who said [a client] had gone [to the classes] and it was like a light going on,” he said.

Retribution vanished

One man who attended a For Kids’ Sake program this fall said his wife had been keeping him from his children.

Walking into class, he vowed silently to do the same to her.

But by the end of the workshop all thoughts of retribution had vanished.

“I realized that the kids would suffer if I kept them apart [from their mother], and that the most important thing is that they have what they need,” said the man, who wanted t o remain anonymous.

The workshops first emerged in the early 1990s with the opening of Kids First in Portland, patterned after a similar program in Cob County, Ga.

Since then, Kids First has expanded to other areas in southern Maine as well as to Augusta, Waterville, Skowhegan and Belfast.

Currently, with For Kids’ Sake serving the Greater Bangor area, ParentWorks in Rockland, and Moving Forward in Presque Isle, more than 1,000 divorced and separated couples each year are learning to raise happier, more secure children.

Facilitated by mental health professionals, counselors and mediators who have experience with divorced and separated families, the workshops are held once a month for four or five hours.

They all include discussions about conflict management and communication techniques; the impact of divorce or separation on families; and how to talk to children about divorce and help them deal with the transition from one home to another.

But each class incorporates its own unique variation.

Panel discussion

In Presque Isle, Moving Forward uses a panel of parents and children who discuss their own personal experiences with divorce.

“I’m one of the fortunate ones,” said 18-year-old panel member Joe Carbone, whose parents did all the right things when they divorced eight years ago.

“The communication lines between them were always open,” the Easton High School senior said he tells participants.

“To this day, they never put each other down, they speak to each other with respect and they never put me in the middle – I never had to choose between them,” said Carbone, whose poise and maturity were evident even across the telephone wires.

“And they always told me what was going on … if I had any questions, they were more than happy to talk to me,” he said.

Planning to attend college next year and “become a lawyer, then a politician,” the teen-ager said he knows how differently his life could have turned out if not for his parents’ efforts to be reasonable.

“I can tell you now, I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am,” he said. “I give my parents and my stepparents a world of credit.”

Carbone, who said he notices “a lot of really angry spouses” in the class, hopes participants come away with a different perspective.

“Divorce can really screw kids up, so I hope they think twice before bashing the other parent in front of their kid.”

Respect for ex-spouses

At the Kids First group in Belfast, the basic message is not to run the other parent down, said Meris Bickford, formerly an assistant attorney general who represented the Department of Human Services.

To denigrate one parent is to denigrate the child him- or herself, since children’s identities come from both the mother and father, she pointed out.

Erasing gender stereotypes and emphasizing the importance of the father’s role also is the thrust of the class.

Co-facilitator and psychologist Patrick Walsh said he hopes the pair “models for the class that males and females can work cooperatively, share responsibility and communicate respectfully.”

Parents are encouraged to attend separate meetings for good reason, according to Jean Chalmers, a court mediator and a lawyer who facilitates ParentWorks in Rockland.

A couple who said they had a friendly divorce once convinced her to let them participate together.

“But they didn’t talk very much in class, and later the woman admitted that she would have felt freer saying things if she didn’t know [her ex-husband] had been sitting in front of the room,” Chalmers recalled.

Aid to courts

Funded partially through a federal Access and Visitation Grant administered by DHS, the classes underscore family court’s new, pro-active face.

An enthusiastic proponent of the programs since a number of parents thanked him for ordering their participation, District Court Chief Judge Michael Westcott relishes the change.

“It’s about time we got over the image of being dour old men who just listen to facts and issue decisions,” he said.

“We want to give people the tools to resolve their own disputes and become better informed about their kids’ developmental needs,” said Westcott, who created the Access and Visitation Committee, which decides how to dole out the $100,000 grant awarded to the state each year.

The court’s emphasis on co-parenting is a dramatic change from the way things used to be, according to Bangor attorney Martha Harris.

“Over the past 10 years there’s been a real belief that kids need both parents,” she said.

“That’s a lot different than 20 years ago, when one [parent would be assigned] primary residence and the other visitation every other weekend.”

Meanwhile, officials are betting that the parent education programs have yielded other benefits beyond the emotional well being of children.

But since participating parents aren’t required to identify themselves, no one knows for sure whether the classes serve to decrease post-divorce litigation or increase compliance with child support payments and visitation.

Hannah Osborne, Family Resource Coordinator for the Family Division of District Court, is evaluating ways to measure the success of the programs. For her, the most important question likely will be the hardest to answer.

Have the programs resulted in fewer troubled children? She would like to know.

Smoother visits

Researching an article for the Maine Bar Journal, Auburn mediator June Zellers has put together some pieces of the puzzle.

Based on national studies, participants did a slightly better job of paying child support and maintaining regular contact with their children, she said.

They also reported smoother visits with their children and better communication with the other parent.

One study indicates that the course is more effective when parents participate early in the divorce process, said Zellers, who knows this firsthand.

“Parents have told me, ‘if only I had known this six months ago, I would have done better,'” she recalled.

The classes are a cost effective way to begin helping parents, according to Zellers, who said changes in attitudes and behaviors come in fits and starts.

“[Divorce] is a stressful time, and parents find it hard to make big changes. But I have confidence that [the classes] help in small ways and that changes happen over time,” she said.

But Ted Woodward of Falmouth was struck immediately by his Kids First experience in Augusta.

The class included people from all walks of life, from fisherman in high boots to white-collar computer experts, said Woodward.

“When I looked in the faces of some of those guys I could see myself in them – they were devastated about what was going on.”

People were drawn magically into the conversation, he recalled.

“Just about everyone said something and everyone listened. There was a lot of mutual support, it was very touching,” said Woodward who is now on the Kids First Board of Directors.

Attorneys approve

Locally, attorneys believe the program is having a positive effect.

“Uniformly I’ve had good reports – some more glowingly than others – but everyone’s had good things to say,” said Bangor attorney John Bunker.

Some clients’ “attitudes suddenly were different and [there was] a greater spirit of cooperation,” he said.

No one has all the answers, said Dr. Carolyn Leick of Orono who attended For Kids’ Sake about a year ago.

“I felt good about how we were doing with our children, but I don’t think there’s anybody in a situation in which they can’t grow and change and develop and become even more effective with this help,” said Leick, a guidance counselor who has been in private practice.

Parents who participated in a For Kids’ Sake session this fall said that while they entered the class with trepidation, their fears were allayed once they listened to the presenters’ easy-going approach and began talking with other participants.

Psychologist Diane Tennies, who facilitated the workshop along with her psychologist husband, Norm Worgull, wasn’t surprised.

“Some people are angry, frustrated and resentful, and they don’t want to be there, they’ve got enough on their plates.

“But gathering in small groups and talking to others who are objective but who have similar stories lowers their anxiety and gives them common ground,” she said.

Parents came away with fresh insight on a number of fronts.

“It made me realize how far I’ve come from my own pain,” said Kyle Russell of Orrington

“I wish three years ago that I could have had someone speak to me and give me comfort that there is light at end of the tunnel and that things will work out,” said the mother of two.

Denine Griffin of Dover-Foxcroft found she had been doing her children a disservice.

“They’d be on the telephone talking to their dad, they’d relay a message from him and I’d get upset and holler back, ‘you tell your father … ”’ she said ruefully.

“I had no idea I was placing them in the middle. I apologized and told them I never realized what I was doing.”

Doing the right thing

For Val Johnson of Guilford, the class was confirmation that she had been doing the right thing.

“I’ve told [my kids] that their dad and I are friends. And it’s important that they see that, it’ll make them better people,” said Johnson who has a routine when her ex-husband comes by to pick up their sons.

“Standing right in the kitchen I give him a big hug and I tell him to enjoy his time with the boys.”

But experts agree that for people in highly conflicted divorces, co-parenting isn’t the answer.

That’s why From Home to Home – a parent education class for couples who simply can’t communicate – was designed.

Focusing on parallel or independent parenting, the class helps people understand that since they have no control over what the other parent does, they should concentrate instead on doing what’s best for the child.

Between that class and Kids First in Topsham, the community is well-served, said Judge Joseph Field of Sixth District Court in West Bath.

“More people are getting it, they’re understanding the basic concepts of co-parenting and the idea that kids are hurt by friction,” he said.

Monitored exchange sites are another way to keep children separate from their parents’ confrontations.

Also funded by the Access and Visitation Grant, the programs are aimed at parents who can’t get along even for the few moments it takes to transfer custody of their children.

The state’s two sites – Home to Home at the Brunswick Naval Air Station and a brand new location in Portland managed by Catholic Charities Maine – offer separate parking lots, entrances and waiting rooms.

Home to Home is an “unmitigated success,” said Field, who came up with the idea about five years ago.

“We have had children write and say thanks for making their parents sane,” he said.

A work in progress

Meanwhile, supporters deem the parent education programs a work in progress.

Chalmers of ParentWorks laments that even though case management officers and attorneys recommend the class, many parents still don’t attend.

“I wish the court could follow up and enforce participation,” she said. “It’s such an important program that it ought to be within the court system.”

In fact, Judge Westcott hopes in January to set up a committee of lawyers, mediators and judges who would establish criteria for participation and come up with ways to enforce the orders.

No one knows better than John Lorenz how much work needs to be done.

The For Kids’ Sake board president hopes to find an organization or foundation which would sponsor the program and pay for a director and a facility where the programs could be held and a resource library set up.

He also dreams of implementing a monitored exchange site in the Bangor area.

Meanwhile, Tim Sinclair has become an outspoken advocate for the program.

“I’ve told people who haven’t been ordered to take the class that they should go anyway,” he said. “Don’t wait for the judge – go first.”

While the programs cost $45 per participant, a reduced fee is available based on financial need.

For Kids’ Sake also offers monthly lecture programs on stress management strategies and conflict management. Six-week sessions dealing with the impact of divorce on fathers, mothers, stepparents and children also are available. To register call 942-9329.

For Waldo County Kids First call 338-2200, ext. 109; ParentWorks, Rockland, 596-0014; Moving Forward, Presque Isle, 764-8196; Kids First in Augusta, Waterville and Skowhegan, 626-3428 or 1-877-814-0410; and Home to Home, Bath-Brunswick, 751-4366.