In Theaters

SEE SPOT RUN. 94 minutes, PG, directed by John Whitesell, written by George Gallo, Dan Baron and Chris Faber, based on a story by Stuart Gibbs, Craig Titley and Gallo.

See parents run. Run, parents, run! See them rush for the doors, see their children cry in vain. See them pull, see them tug, see one child howl in pain.

That was the scene during my screening of John Whitesell’s “See Spot Run,” a film so awash in raunch and doggie-doo, it sent three sets of parents and their shrill children packing midway through.

Too bad they left so soon. By doing so, they missed the film’s crowd-pleasing Zebra flatulence scene, the much-beloved electrocuted orifices scene and the fondly received battle between the two deaf women. Pity for those parents and their toddlers that they pulled a Lassie and just went home.

If they’d lingered, they would have been able to use the experience of seeing this nightmare after viewing other cinematic bombs. “Well, at least it wasn’t as bad as ‘See Spot Run,'” they could have said – and they likely would have been right.

Targeted at preteen boys, “See Spot Run” takes the famous children’s story and turns it into one foul piece of pie. To say it’s one of the worst dogs to trot into theaters in a while might seem too easy a cliche, but when you parade that cliche in front of a movie that exists only so it can smear its talentless star, David Arquette, in dog feces, well, that cliche comes off a whole lot fresher in comparison.

The film, which is pop culture’s latest love affair with excrement, takes that affair into cheaper territory by presenting that excrement for family consumption. That’s a major (but not surprising) turning point for movies and our culture – and one that Warner Bros. Studios can proudly call its own.

In brief, the plot: Gordon (Arquette), a dim-witted mailman, offers to baby-sit his next-door neighbor’s 6-year-old son, James (Angus T. Jones), when the child’s mother, Stephani (Leslie Bibb), suddenly has to leave town.

Enter Spot, a bull mastiff in the FBI’s witness protection program who adopts James and Gordon, and the plot thickens. The problem? Spot is on the run from a band of angry hooligans who want him dead for biting off their mob boss’s testicles.

Isn’t that warm and fuzzy? What’s worse is that the castrated capo is played by Paul Sorvino. It’s a new career low for Mr. Sorvino, one that’s compounded by the fact that he plays Sonny without an ounce of embarrassment – not even when Sonny’s baritone eventually becomes a tenor due to a lack of testosterone.

With Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Viterelli and Anthony Anderson in thin supporting roles, “See Spot Run” rolls over and dies when it should have begged for a more humane script. About that script – it took 10 writers to hammer it out, 10 writers, five of whom hit the jackpot by being uncredited.

Seems to me that one of the first things President Bush needs to do in office is to follow his mother’s lead and tackle illiteracy.

Grade: F

On Video and DVD

WONDER BOYS. 112 minutes, R, directed by Curtis Hanson, written by Steve Kloves, based on the novel by Michael Chabon.

There’s a moment in Curtis Hanson’s excellent film, “Wonder Boys,” when Michael Douglas’ character, Grady Tripp, a boozy, disillusioned, adulterous, pot-smoking English professor who has failed to follow the success of his first novel, “Arsonist’s Daughter,” with anything remotely publishable, says about his favorite student’s work: “It gets close to the truth.”

And that’s exactly the case with this film – it gets close to the truth, very close, which is perhaps the highest praise one can give any work of art.

“Wonder Boys,” Hanson’s first film since his Academy Award-winning “L.A. Confidential,” is terrific for many reasons, but most of all for its restraint, which shows across the board as Hanson brings together his colorful, off-beat threads and characters with a natural, seamless ease.

The film is too smart to use its wacky undercurrents merely as a means for jumping into lunacy, which it does. But its great triumph is in how it uses those undercurrents to get to the heart of what matters here – understanding human nature.

The film, a faithful adaptation of Michael Chabon’s 1995 novel, follows a fateful weekend in the life of Tripp, the derailment that ensues, and the hard truths one sometimes has to swallow and accept before growth and change can occur. If it’s about how middle-aged complacency and being stuck in the past can mire a promising future, it’s also about how unreasonable expectations, academic life and the bloat of tenure also can conspire to destroy that future.

Dryly narrating his own life, Tripp walks us through most of his current pitfalls, which includes a murdered dog, an addiction to marijuana, a towering, tuba-playing transvestite, stolen Marilyn Monroe memorabilia, the knowledge that his wife has left him, and the mild shock that the university chancellor is pregnant with his child.

Some might feel the film lacks energy because of Hanson’s deliberate pacing, but this film isn’t a farce and it isn’t even meant to be a comedy. It’s paced as a drama, one that’s sometimes funny because it knows that life’s absurdities are sometimes funny.

With Robert Downey Jr. in a wonderfully irreverent performance as Tripp’s horny editor, Crabs, Tobey Maguire perfectly dour as the wonder boy, James Leer, and Frances McDormand nicely cast as the university chancellor caught in the throes of an affair with Tripp, “Wonder Boys” never condescends to Grady’s mistakes. Instead, it respects the man, allowing him to be human in ways that ring with the truth.

Grade: A

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays in Style, Thursdays in the scene, Tuesdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5” and Thursdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5:30” on WLBZ-2 and WCSH-6.

The Video Corner

Renting a video? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores.

Meet the Parents ? B+

Wonder Boys ? A

Bedazzled ? B-

Lost Souls ? F

Meet the Parents ? B+

Nurse Betty ? C+

Beautiful ? D

Book of Shadows:

Blair Witch II ? F

The Original Kings of _ Comedy ? B+

The Watcher ? F

The Adventures of Rocky

and Bullwinkle ? D

Bless the Child ? D

Bring it On ? B+

Get Carter ?D-

Woman on Top ? B+

Urban Legends: _ Final Cut ? D-

Whipped ? F-

Cecil B. Demented ? C

Dinosaur ? B

Dr. T and the Women ? D

The Eyes of Tammy

Faye ? B+

Jesus? Son ?A-

Solomon and Gaenor ? B+

What Lies Beneath ? B

Bait ?F

Battlefield Earth ? F-

Coyote Ugly ? C-

Disney?s The Kid ? B+

Me, Myself & Irene ? C+

Autumn in New York ? F

Hollow Man ? C-

The Art of War ? F

The Exorcist: The Version

You?ve Never Seen ? A

Godzilla 2000 ? B+

The Cell ? B

Road Trip ? D-

Saving Grace ? A-

Where the Money Is ? C+

The Virgin Suicides ? B+

Loser ? C-

The Road to El Dorado ? B-

Shower ? B+

Scary Movie ? B-

Shaft ? B+

Gone in 60 Seconds ? D

Groove ? B-

Nutty Professor II:

The Klumps ? C+

Trixie ? D+

The In Crowd ? F+

The Replacements ? D

Chicken Run ? A

Gladiator ? B-

X-Men ? C

Big Momma?s House ? B

Boys and Girls ?C-

Fantasia 2000 ? A-

The Perfect Storm ? A

Pokemon:

The Movie 2000 ? D+

Mission: Impossible 2 ? B+

Titan A.E. ? B-