Thrills, chills for all if UM hosts tourney

When the league the University of Maine competes in – America East – recently threw out … I mean released … four rogue members mainly to avoid having a lame-brained … oops … lame-duck team representing it in next year’s NCAA hoop tournament, I had the same reaction as the rest of you.

First, I cried. Very, very briefly. Then I jumped up and down and cheered and sang the Na-Na-Na-Na, Hey-Hey-Hey, Goodbye song.

Goodbye to Hofstra. And Towson. And Drexel. And Delaware. Especially mean ol’ Delaware, and the men’s basketball tournament the school used to host.

Then I began to craft (for your information, we writers prefer this word to the ones you readers use, like throw together, make up, and fabricate) this column.

First, I called Matt Bourque down at America East headquarters.

And you know what? The league is actually planning on holding a men’s basketball tourney next year. Even without the Fabled Four. Amazing.

Then I called UMaine athletic director Sue Tyler. She told me that the Black Bears were entertaining the idea of bidding for the tourney … if the other ADs decide to keep the current format.

Figure this: Vermont plays its home games in what amounts to a high school gym and BU, Northeastern, and New Hampshire don’t even use their best facilities for men’s basketball because nobody wants to see those teams play regular-season games. A semi-packed Alfond Arena’s looking pretty attractive all of a sudden.

Since I’m generally helpful (except when I’m being generally obstinate, generally grumpy, or generally a pain in the rear), I decided to help pitch the benefits of Maine to those who will actually make the decision.

Dear Athletic Directors, Presidents, and Powerful Corporate Donors:

First, thank you very much for throwing out (oops, releasing) those ungrateful southern bullies.

But you don’t need them. You don’t need the sparklingly beautiful Bob Carpenter Center (And when you see how much of our state MBNA owns, you’ll swear you’re still in Delaware!)

Among the perks:

. Athletes are thrill-seekers. They love a challenge. They thrive in those white-knuckle, pressure-packed situations. Heck! They’ll have a ball here.

As a matter of fact, they’ll have a ball just getting here. Ever drive up I-95 through an ice storm? Or fly in on one of our special 22-seat, propeller-driven Vomit Comets? You talk about thrills!

. You know a great thing about the college experience? Absorbing the local flavor of an area. Let me tell you about flavor.

Everyone knows about our seafood. And our potatoes. Our Committee won’t stop there, though. We’ll take you to Dysart’s for breakfast, and make sure you get all the super-delicious, yummy-tasty red hot dogs you can eat for lunch.

. College sports are about education. And man, do we got some culture up here! We’ve got artists. Poets. And (here’s the biggie) Stephen King!

We’ll conduct free stop-and-gawk tours of the street in front of the King of the Macabre’s house at midnight each night of the tourney. Or until the residents of West Broadway call the cops … whichever comes first.

. Maine is a rural state. We have plenty of forests and lakes, which our abundant population of mythically wild-and-vicious man-eating animals appreciates. Our unofficial Welcome-to-the-Sticks Committee will shuttle your team to Medway, where we’ll conduct free rides on the wild beast of your choice. Mooseback? Bearback? Try your luck.

And (sorry to beat a dead Blue Hen, but I just can’t resist): Try to do that in Delaware.

John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter. His e-mail address is jholyoke@bangordailynews.net