‘Pokemon 3’ viewing time best spent outside theater

Oh, would that every minute in real life passed as slowly as those spent viewing a “Pokemon” movie.

It’s spring, which means that Japan’s most annoying import has returned to the cinemas, to suck more dollars out of the wallets of unfortunate parents everywhere.

This time, it’s “Pokemon 3,” the third such animated movie in as many years (Nintendo and Warner Bros. mean to cash in before the ever-so-short national attention span wanders).

For the blissfully uninitiated,

pokemon are “pocket monsters,” which live inside these tiny balls (about the size of the theater in which we saw the film). Every so often, their human trainers will throw the balls, releasing the pokemon to beat the crap out of each other. This isn’t nearly as sadistic as it sounds, but it’s a pocketful of mindless violence, nonetheless.

“Pokemon 3” opens with the short “Pikachu and Pichu,” featuring the omnipresent little, yellow pokemon and a couple smaller but no less pesky versions of himself. While visiting the big city, Pikachu gets separated from the rest of the pokemon, finds himself into a heap of trouble, but unfortunately finds his way back. Think of it as “Home Alone 2” without the cinematic artistry of that film.

Then comes the serious part of “Pokemon 3” (using that term very loosely). The second segment features a lonely girl named Mi, who, aided by her pokemon, Entei, inadvertently builds a crystalline tower and holds an entire city hostage, also kidnapping the mother of Ash Ketchum, the human trainer who is the star of the “Pokemon” films.

The synopsis, in short: Ash and his human and pokemon friends come out on top after many, many, many, many battles. Poor, poor pitiful Mi sees the error of her thinking, and they all live happily ever after (at least until “Pokemon 4: They’re Back and They’re Overexposed.”)

My junior critic enjoyed “Pokemon 3,” but then she actually understands this series. She especially liked seeing the happy fate of Mi and her father. She sees all three films as having equal merit.

So do I, but in my case, that merit is none. Which of the three “Pokemon” movies is best? Who cares? Almost any child could put together a better plot with his or her Pokemon toys or cards.

In short, “Pokemon 3” is 75 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

Dale McGarrigle is the veteran entertainment writer for the Bangor Daily News. His 5-year-old daughter Samantha thankfully doesn’t have much access to the “Pokemon” series at home. She doesn’t seem to mind that much, either.