More singles raising kids across state

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Deciding to become a single parent eight years ago, Robert Vomes found plenty of naysayers.

“People were surprised at first – there were a lot of people who were saying I couldn’t do it,” the unassuming Carmel man said this week.

No one would have thought twice if a woman wanted to raise a family on her own, according to Vomes, 48, who ultimately won custody of his two children after he and his wife divorced.

“There’s a lot more of a support system for women,” said Vomes, who happily juggles his job with chaperoning school field trips and having fun with his kids.

Going quietly about the business of raising their children, single fathers in Maine suddenly are thrust into the limelight by new 2000 census figures indicating they now account for 8 percent of all family households with children under 18, up from 4 percent 10 years ago.

Totaling 7,188 in 1990, single fathers now number 12,206 – a dramatic 70 percent hike, higher even than the 62 percent increase for the nation. Single dads accounted for as much as 10 percent of family households with children in Piscataquis, Somerset and Washington counties to as low as 6 percent in Cumberland County.

Not surprisingly, mothers continued to make up the vast majority of the single parents here in Maine and elsewhere, and they are on the increase too, according to 2000 census data released this week.

The number of female heads of households in the state grew by 17 percent to 32,352, compared to a national increase of 25 percent. The highest percentage of single-mother households with children was 24 percent in Androscoggin County and the lowest was 18 percent in Lincoln County.

Offering a peek into the complex makeup of American life, the census shows just how far we have come from the traditional two-parent family immortalized by Norman Rockwell, lauded by conservatives and analyzed by sociologists.

Perhaps the most surprising trend was the sharp decline in the number of married couples raising children under 18 in Maine. While the number increased by 6 percent nationally, Maine’s number dropped by 11 percent to 112,767.

Blame it on the graying of Maine, demographer Richard Sherwood from the State Planning Office said. The state has an older than average population, without [immigrants] who tend to be younger and have more children, he said.

Maine’s long history of out-migration in which younger people in their childbearing years have left the state for jobs has played an important role.

The highest level of family households with children and married parents was 75 percent in Aroostook County. The lowest was 67 percent in Androscoggin County.

The latest statistics, which did not allow an accurate depiction of family households headed by unmarried partners or by other relatives besides parents, left experts with mixed reactions.

Although no one disputes that children ideally should be raised by both parents, Robert Milardo, professor of family relations at the University of Maine and editor of the Journal of Marriage and Family, said the burgeoning number of single parents doesn’t necessarily spell gloom and doom.

“Probably many of the marriages that end in divorce should,” said Milardo, pointing out that children are better off in a peaceful single parent household than with two parents who constantly are at each other’s throats.

Deanna Partridge, coordinator for the Bangor chapter of the National Organization for Women, also was inclined to look on the positive side.

“This is saying that women have more options, that they’re maybe getting out of abusive relationships and supporting a strong family outside of limitations we’ve been forced into in the past,” she said.

But Michael Heath of the Christian Civic League called the increase in single parents “a profoundly sad development for everybody.”

Married couples should choose to stay together even through difficult times, but “the culture isn’t there to provide the right kind of support to help mom and dad when they get into trouble,” he said.

The rise of the single dad raises other issues.

Nowadays, men more often are asserting their parental rights during the divorce proceedings and the court system is more inclined to acknowledge that the best place for a child might be with his or her father, said several experts.

The popular culture also is more supportive of fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives, Leslie King, University of Maine social demographer, pointed out.

The single parent statistics don’t reveal all the nuances that play a part in family structure, according to UM sociology professor Stephen Marks.

“The question is what do we mean by alone – are they truly alone in some isolated little household, or do they have a cohabiting partner who would be actively helping with child care, or are they surrounded by a supportive kin and friendship network who have an interest in the welfare of the child,” he said.

Meanwhile, children’s advocates worry about the financial and social repercussions.

“Kids from single parent families do less well in school and are more likely to exhibit behavior problems – outcomes derived largely from the economic realities of single parenthood, lower income, and time constraints that affect supervision and participation in kids activities,” said Lynn Davey, director of Kids Count, an annual survey of children’s living conditions.

Now that the data is in, support systems for single parents must be put into place, said Lee Parker, chair of ACCESS, a statewide system that works on behalf of families with children.

A flexible work schedule, family friendly work policies that allow parents to attend school functions, and more affordable child care and health care are just a few of the resources that should follow, she said.

“Personally, I have the utmost admiration for single parents, I know I couldn’t do it. But we have to find ways to support families in whatever shape they’re taking. They’re there and they’re raising the next generation.”

Michael O’D. Moore analyzed census data for this story.