‘Fast and Furious’ is slick, brainless

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Editor’s note: Christopher Smith will be on vacation next week. His column will return in the July 12 scene.

In theaters

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, 101 minutes, PG-13, directed by Rob Cohen, written by Gary Scott Thompson, Erik Bergquist and David Ayer.

In Rob Cohen’s new street-racing film, “The Fast and the Furious,” the level of testosterone is jacked to such dizzying extremes, its target audience of teen-age boys might find themselves leaving the theater with a peculiar side effect: full-grown beards.

At the end of my screening, which was sold out, several young men – all of whom were clearly whipped into a primal frenzy thanks to the film’s bloody fist fights, loose women and superbly handled car chases – apparently took the film closer to heart than one might hope or even expect. Rushing to their cars, they pealed out of the parking lot with an urgency that either suggested all were past their curfews – or, more likely, that the streets of Bangor were about to be turned into a hotbed of activity.

“The Fast and the Furious” is slick entertainment without a brain in its head. It’s like the video games “Gran Turismo” and “Midnight Club” but with actors dumbing down the action with this sort of leaded dialogue: “If you want time – buy the magazine!” Or, better yet, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time!”

Exactly how does one do that? Never mind. What’s more curious is the actor who speaks that gem: Vin Diesel, the bald-headed block of beef who co-starred in “Saving Private Ryan,” “Pitch Black” and “Boiler Room,”- all good films that showcased a range that’s somehow broader than his shoulders.

Here, Diesel plays Dominic Toretto, a popular L.A. garage mechanic whose sideline – street racing – isn’t just his passion, but – let’s face it, folks – also his manhood.

Surrounding Toretto are a group of outsiders (Matt Schulze, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Chad Lindberg, Johnny Strong) who make the people behind street racing seem like a bizarre subspecies; the women are hot, the men and their cars are fueled by nitrous oxide, together they’re explosive.

When Brian (Paul Walker), a pretty boy street racer with tipped hair and capped teeth, joins this greasy fray, Toretto and crew initially believe he’s just a poseur who wants street cred and respect. But Brian has other plans up his exhaust pipe, none of which will be revealed here.

“The Fast and the Furious” knows exactly what it is – a flashy B movie streamlined to be a guilty pleasure – and it succeeds better than most will admit. There are no pretensions here, just muscle cars and muscle heads burning up the pavement at speeds that soar above and beyond the legal limit.

There’s no question that much of it is silly, but there’s also no denying that a great deal of its silliness is a huge part of its appeal.

Grade: B-

On video and DVD

THE WEDDING PLANNER, 100 minutes, PG-13, directed by Andy Shankman, written by Pamela Falk and Michael Ellis.

Andy Shankman’s “The Wedding Planner” is so audaciously contrived, it makes arranged marriages look fun by comparison.

The film stars Jennifer Lopez as Mary Fiore, a smart, savvy career woman of impeccable taste whose great talent is in planning weddings. Not small weddings, mind you, but the sort of weddings that are so large and extravagant, they require Mary to wear headsets through which she communicates with her busy staff – a raucous crew of giddy women who join Mary in making certain everything goes as smoothly as the icing on one of her client’s cakes.

The catch? As impossibly cute as Mary is, she surprisingly has no romantic life of her own.

That’s no fault of Mary’s father, Salvatore (Alex Rocco), who’s desperate to marry Mary off to her childhood friend, Massimo (Justin Chambers). But when Mary and her prized Gucci shoe are saved from a runaway Dumpster by Dr. Steve (Matthew McConaughey), a man engaged to Mary’s latest client, the heiress Fran Donolly (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras), this film’s garter belt, so to speak, starts to ride a little low on the thigh.

As an actress, Lopez is a doll, but this time out, she’s been turned into a stick figure. She does her best to infuse Mary with charm and life, but since Mary is essentially a cinematic archetype of the 1950s and early 1960s (think Doris Day), it becomes impossible for the actress to make her seem real in the film’s post-feminist present.

Complicating matters is McConaughey, who has zero chemistry with his co-star. But where the film truly becomes divorced from reality is in its dialogue, a sampling of which should have been left at the altar: “I look in your eyes and it hurts my insides.”

That’s funny. Watching a good deal of this movie has the same effect.

Grade: D+

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays in Style, Thursdays in the scene, Tuesdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5” and Thursdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5:30” on WLBZ-2 and WCSH-6. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

THE VIDEO CORNER

Renting a video? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores.

Unbreakable ? C+

The Wedding

Planner ? D+

You Can Count on Me ? A

Proof of Life ? C-

Save the Last Dance ? C-

State and Main ? B

O Brother,

Where Art Thou ? A-

Cast Away ? A-

Crouching Tiger,

Hidden Dragon ? A+

The House Of Mirth ? B

Shadow of

the Vampire ? B+

Traffic ? A

Antitrust ? D

Before Night Falls ? A

Best in Show ? A

Requiem for a Dream ? A

Vertical Limit ? B-

Pay it Forward ? C

Duets ? D

Quills ? B

What Women Want ? B

Yi Yi ? A

All the Pretty Horses ? C-

Miss Congeniality ? B