Poor Perfect Paul

Perfect Paul is the voice you hear if you listen to the National Weather Service’s shortwave radio broadcasts. Paul uses the phrase “hazy, hot and humid” a lot. Sometimes he issues small-craft advisories or warnings. Once in a while he warns of an approaching hurricane.

But whatever his message, whether it’s about pleasant weather to come or a blinding snowstorm, he uses the same monotonous tone. To some, he seems to speak with a Slavic or Scandinavian accent. People at the National Weather Service call him “Igor” or “Sven.” Around here, people sometimes call him “the mechanical man.” And that is exactly what he is.

When the Weather Service, a branch of NOAA (the Commerce Department’s National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration), contracted for him in 1997, he was a high-tech marvel. Timely weather information is of vital importance to mariners, farmers, aviators, motorists and practically everybody else. The mechanical man spoke with words and numbers programmed into him by computer. The proud private contractor named him Perfect Paul. He was “absolutely state of the art,” says Susan Weaver, a NOAA public relations officer. “He got messages out phenomenally faster – in seconds instead of minutes. We’re in the business of saving lives.”

People depended on Perfect Paul, but a lot of folks didn’t like him very much. He sounded as if he was speaking English as a second language. He never showed any emotion or even any interest in what he was saying. A listener could doze off waiting for him to get through all the readings from automatic buoy stations and finally reach the prediction for Penobscot County or Down East.

NOAA has heard the mounting complaints about Perfect Paul. It knows that he was great in his time, but his time is over. Technology has advanced. The techies now can produce what they call a human-sounding voice. The agency has called for bids for a new system and a new voice. It is evaluating the bids and plans to announce its selection of a new contractor within a matter of days, possibly within a week.

The actual change cannot take place until about December, says Ms. Weaver. And not every one of the 121 forecast offices will get the new system right away. The place names for each area must be recorded. Bangor may be low on the list.

But change is in the works and Perfect Paul’s days are numbered. His successor is supposed to have a lot more personality. There’s even a rumor that it may be a woman with a seductive voice. Weather watchers can hardly wait.