After a slew of houseguests this summer, it became clear we needed new pillows, especially after the last couple brought their own like toddlers toting favorite chew rags.

Catalog shopping seemed easier in this Down East outpost than the 60-mile drive to the nearest large department store. Plus, the toll-free phone number was a mere dial away from choosing among good, better, best and ultimate “perfect pillows.”

Not that the selection was simple: 15 ounces versus 17; European polar white goose down versus Hungarian; soft density versus firm; 100 percent down versus 50 percent feathers; 200-thread count cotton shell versus combed cotton damask cover. But a voice named Becky was (eventually) helpful, jotting down the order number by hand, she said, since the computer was on the blink.

That was the second mistake.

Yet, item No. P643 was confirmed, and Becky said three perfect pillows would be delivered within the week, which they were but in a battered box that had to be resealed in Hampden, the tape sticker said, because of damage in shipping. Mistake No. 3.

The packing slip advised how customers could send back items by filling out the “return reason code 2A”: fabric not as expected, wrong style/size/color, difficult to assemble, merchandise damaged, other.

So it was clear what to do after discovering the three pillows were not item No. P643 but in fact PG43; they were not goose down but “down alternative,” whatever that is; and although not damaged in the crushed box, they were not “perfect pillows.” Far from it.

Becky could not be reached by phone. Nor could any other voice for 38 minutes and through two entire symphonies, which were interrupted periodically by a recorded message promising the next available customer service representative.

Lucille finally came on the line and explained return policies, shipping charges, insurance recommendations, and the procedure for affixing company labels to the decrepit box so that the imperfect pillows could be exchanged and the credit card indeed credited.

Lucille never apologized for sending the wrong pillows in the first place. Therefore, it came as no surprise when four days later another dented box – this one larger and heavier – arrived with SIX more wrong pillows inside. Mistake No. 4. Now there are nine down-alternative, soft-density, standard pillows in two dilapidated boxes sitting in the corner of the living room.

A voice named Antoinette says – sleepily – everything will be straightened out once the merchandise is returned in the original containers with packing slips and company labels. Her fingernails can be heard over the phone clicking on computer keys and mistaking another “6” for a “G” or transposing numbers on a credit card.

By now, I realize the first big mistake was opting for catalog shopping rather than driving all the way to the mall. What’s a distance of 120 miles or so if it can mean customer satisfaction?

Right now, all I want to do is have a pillow fight.