Economy-size principles take a super-size ride

I never expected to fall in love with a monster truck.

After all, I was a confirmed Honda driver, having driven seven of them over 30 years for close to 1 million miles. Not one ever left me by the side of the road. That was enough for me.

When the latest Japanese import developed transmission problems at only 30,000 miles, my faith was shaken. The dealer promised that the (warranteed) repairs would be done to correct the problem, but that it would take a few days. He offered a “loaner” from a car rental place.

After filling out the rental papers, I was asked if I wanted a van or a pickup truck. That was all they had left. It was vacation week (my last paid vacation, it turned out) and I had canoes, kayaks and Zodiac inflatable boats to carry around in my endless trips across Penobscot Bay and Maine lakes. The choice was easy.

I took the truck.

Now, I have always trumpeted the virtues of high-mileage, low-impact vehicles both for environmental reasons and to lower dependence on our Middle East suppliers.

That lasted for about two miles, or the trip to the House of Blue Eyes. This was a full-dress, quarter-ton, extended-cab, V-8, four-wheel-drive monster. The very vehicle I had laughed at, until a few minutes earlier. Unless you were making daily money from such a truck, there was no justification for its existence, I always said. If everyone drove a 30 miles-per-gallon vehicle, we could tell the Arabs to go to hell, I thought.

Then I stretched out in the cab, turned up the radio, enjoyed the view and the ride. The seats were perfect and the radio was good enough to pick up the Boston AM sports radio shows, which, of course, is vital. The ride was as comfortable as it gets. Blue Eyes got in, skeptically. She is worse on the economy issue than I am, being an Olympian penny pincher.

We took off for the water and she fell as quickly and as badly as I did.

You have to understand the Titanic hassle it is to put roof racks on a Honda for skis, bikes, canoes, kayaks and Zodiacs, especially alone. The struggle always manages to scratch the paint and the racks always seem to dent the roof. In the first pickup test, the Zodiac fit in the bed like it was made for it. It came out even easier. No racks, no wrestling. A few days later the canoes and kayaks nestled into their new home.

Summer rides around Knox and Waldo counties cemented the relationship. Blue Eyes even drove the beast and pronounced it acceptable. She now says I should buy one, in order to spare her perfect sedan from the indignities of roof racks. With four-wheel-drive it would be a perfect rig for the winter trips to Sugarloaf on those hazardous roads that tried to kill us once already, she argued. We already knew it was perfect for summer recreation. She pulled out a newspaper story saying how good the monsters were in crash tests.

The gas mileage was deplorable, of course.

I stretched the rental over the weekend. Before I (reluctantly) returned the truck to the rental agent, I made discreet inquiries to Rockland dealers about a trade-in for my trademark Honda.

I am a weak man.

What would Ralph Nader say?

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmears@msn.com