There’s a bumper sticker that reads, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” Two quick observations: This gag – attributed to Gloria Steinem – is funny because of the surprising incongruity that follows the expectation of a logical comparison of parallel features, and; men, this is not meant as a compliment.

How about this one – “A restoration plan for wild Atlantic salmon without any sense of priorities or regard for the economic condition of the already impoverished region affected by the Endangered Species Act listing is, like, what we’ve got.”

No, it’s not funny. And, federal and state officials who are responsible for imposing and managing the listing, it’s not meant as a compliment.

It has been nearly a year since the National Marine Fisheries Service and U.S. Fish and Wildlife held hands and announced that, because there weren’t enough wild Atlantic salmon left to feed a smallish family reunion, the species was on the endangered list. The listing covers eight Maine rivers, seven in poor Washington County. The announcement cited escaped fish and disease from salmon aquaculture and the impact of blueberry irrigation on crucial salmon watersheds as the most urgent problems most in need of fixing. Aquaculture and blueberries are the mainstays of the economy in poor Washington County, but, not to worry, the federal agencies said, with the listing come piles of money to help.

The first major pile is on the way, and what a pile it is. Some $15 million to $25 million is about to be spent, but not, as a rational person might suppose from the above-mentioned urgent problems, to keep penned fish from going over the wall or from sneezing on wild fish, or to slake the thirst of blueberries in a wild salmon-friendly way. It’s going to buy land. For fish. Now that’s funny.

The land is some 40,000 acres along the banks of the Machias River. A federal grant of $2 million will leverage the rest from a variety of federal, state and private sources (According to the Nature Conservancy, which brokered this arrangement, about half will be public money). Land right along the riverbank will be bought outright and turned over to either the Maine Department of Conservation or the Maine Atlantic Salmon Commission. The rest, a strip about 1,000 feet deep, will be held in a conservation easement, one of those deals where the landowner keeps the land but sells some of the development rights. What could be a pretty complicated deal is simplified greatly by the fact that all of the land being sold and eased belongs to International Paper.

It’s a sweet deal for that fine Connecticut-based corporation, especially since the easement will stop it from doing what it, by company forestry policy, already does not do and what state land-use law and the Endangered Species Act would prevent it from doing even if it wanted to. Considering that IP bought this land just a couple of years ago, when the ESA listing already in the works and the potential restrictions on cutting trees on the banks of salmon rivers were well known, it’s absolute confection. Too bad other businesses don’t get a taste.

Washington County blueberry growers and fish farmers aren’t the sort of individuals who go around asking for help, but they sure could use some. If restoring wild Atlantic salmon is as much a public benefit as everyone says it is, they deserve some.

Aquaculture, for example, has to use stronger cages with stronger nets to withstand the storms, seals and other hazards that lead to mass escapes. Sebastian Belle, head of the Maine Aquaculture Association, says this upgrade, already well under way with no public help, could cost the industry $8 million. Beyond that, there is a very real possibility that the federal agencies will require Maine growers to put an identification tag each and every fish so the source of escapees can be identified. This is something no other aquaculture industry in the world is required to do and the cost of this and other mandatory operational changes being considered are sure to be enormous.

One rational for the IP deal is that the trees lining the river need to be preserved to provide shade that will keep the water sufficiently cool for breeding salmon. Another is that the buffer zone will prevent silt from clouding the water. There’s no denying that lukewarm, murky water is not conducive to salmon reproduction (many humans find it off-putting as well), but a 1,000-foot setback seems a bit of overkill -unless the Machias watershed is home to some very

tall trees and highly mobile silt.

Silt is a big problem and causing it in an endangered-species river is not allowed. But while one company is about to get millions for not violating the law, there are hundreds, truly hundreds, of water-clouding situations that exist on these eight rivers that could be fixed cheaply if there was money to do them.

On just one river, the Narraguagus, there are 130 and counting. Charles Corliss, chairman of the Narraguagus Watershed Council, says they range from a couple of hundred bucks to replace faulty culverts, to a few thousand for such things as fixing eroded banks and moving ATV trails. The individual projects are small, but the costs add up fast, especially in Washington County.

Then there’s some bigger-ticket items. The council’s trying to get the money – $60,000 – to buy an abandoned store in Cherryfield that sits on major erosion problem right above a stretch of the Narraguagus especially conducive to salmon mating. State assistance was promised three years ago but never delivered. Another erosion site would cost $40,000 or so to fix, but with no government help, it might as well be a billion. One of the biggest pollution sources on the Narraguagus is Milbridge’s salt and sand pile. A shed would cost $300,000. Or maybe it’s a bazillion.

Blueberry growers need help, too. A recent state study found that developing alternative irrigation sources – such as wells, containment ponds and impoundments – could cost $25 million or so. Many growers already have done a lot of this work, none expect taxpayers or anyone else to pay for it all. On the other hand, the combination of drought and ESA-related restrictions on water withdrawal from rivers and lakes shriveled the crop and cost a lot of people their jobs this summer, just in case anybody in Washington or Augusta is interested.

It’s quite an incongruity, though not at all surprising, that what started out as saving wild salmon gets turned into a real-estate transaction. There is, however, a benefit to this Machias River deal that goes beyond making one of the eight rivers better for salmon. The federal and state agencies, and the private conservation groups, that put this deal together say the preserved land will remain open to the public and may even get some enhancements for recreation – canoe launches, picnic areas. And for the fish, maybe some bicycle paths.

Bruce Kyle is the assistant editorial page editor for the Bangor Daily News.