Osama bin Laden’s ‘Newfie’ relatives

I do not mean to make light of all of this anthrax scare stuff, for the possibility of biological terrorism is certainly no laughing matter and we’d all do well to remain alert to our surroundings in our newly declared state of war.

It seems prudent that government guidelines instruct us how to respond should we receive a suspicious package in the mail. And it doesn’t hurt to keep ourselves well informed about the subject.

But I’m beginning to think that the made-for-television story is in danger of getting beaten to death by my brethern (and sistern) in the national news media to the extent that some people have over-dosed on information. Suddenly, to those with hyperactive imaginations, practically every powder known to mankind has become “anthrax,” and law enforcement and environmental protection outfits are taxed to the max to keep up with it all.

Anthrax “discoveries” get more bizarre with each passing day, but the one that took the cake was the one reported on Boston radio talk show host Howie Carr’s show. Carr claimed that one overwrought soul had called 911 to report that she had found a white liquid substance in a milk container. Turned out to be milk, of all things.

That story may well be one of those urban myths that spring up in tense times such as these, but it illustrates just how spooked we can become if we don’t apply the brakes soon on this runaway freight train, lighten up and get a grip on life. To quote the most-overworked cliche of the day, if fear drives us to be illogical in our thinking, the terrorists win.

One antidote to fear is laughter. Unfortunately, it is an antidote that seems to be in short supply just now. Except on the Internet, where jokes abound about the Afghanistan situation and Osama bin Laden, that dead man walking and godfather of international terrorism.

(Question: What is the quickest way for the announcer to break up a bingo game in Afghanistan? Answer: Call “B-52″).

It comes as no surprise that bin Laden has become a “Newfie” joke, as I learned when I opened my e-mail from 89-year-old Paul Richardson of Eastport Thursday morning. (For the uninitiated, a “Newfie” joke is a Canadian’s laugh at the expense of Newfoundlanders, much the same way in which college students who attend Texas A&M in this country are the butt of “Aggie” jokes). There was the Newfie (Aggie) who studied three days for his urine test, the Newfie who got stranded on the escalator during a power failure, and the Newfie who won an Olympic gold medal and had it bronzed. And, of course, the Newfie who, having heard that ticket prices to the rock concert were $17.50 in advance and $20 at the door, stayed home because he didn’t want to pay $37.50.

And so on, and so forth. Which brings us to this updated pick of the Newfie litter, courtesy of Richardson, who passed it along from someone who got it from someone else, who picked it up from God knows who, as befits the cyberspace free-for-all:

Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in Newfoundland. Police have advised that three of the four have been detained on immigration charges. The Newfoundland provincial police commissioner identified the terrorists as Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin. The commissioner further advised that his officers can find no one in the province fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin. He said he is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

I don’t know whether the woman who allegedly spread the anthrax-in-a-milk-bottle alarm is a Newfie or an Aggie, although I’ve Bin Thinkin she may be the type who has to stand on her head to turn things over in her mind, as an old County friend is fond of saying.

Heck, for all I know she may be the woman whose husband was featured in a collection titled “Stupid Men Jokes” compiled by Nancy Gray and published by Villard Books a decade ago. The guy walked into a hospital emergency room with both of his ears badly burned. He explained to the nurse on duty that when the phone rang he had picked up and talked into his wife’s steam iron by mistake. “So how did you burn the other ear?” asked the nurse. “I did that when I went to call the ambulance,” the man replied.

NEWS columnist Kent Ward lives in Winterport. His e-mail address is olddawg@bangordailynews.net.