Aid as American as McDonald’s apple pie

Peanut butter and jelly? When did we become Ward and June Cleaver?

The New York Times reported this week that, mixed in with the various ordnance and high explosives we have been dropping on the Taliban, we have been airlifting some food to keep the innocent and starving population alive. Sort of a sneak attack on the hearts and minds of the people.

But peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

We are the most advanced consumer society this planet (with the possible exception of Atlantis) has ever seen. Surely we can do better than PB&Js.

Let’s contract with Domino’s, get some of those freaky hot boxes and drop a few thousand sausage and onion pizzas on the civilians, not the soldiers. Let the Taliban starve. Let’s include the breadsticks and some huge bottles of Coke, packed in ice.

The second-day airlift will include the results of rare corporate cooperation. The boxes will contain the best of both worlds, Whoppers from Burger King and fries from McDonald’s. Throw in some of those apple pies from McDonald’s if we can figure out the appropriate Arabic warning that the contents are hotter than most lava flows. The special package for hard-core resisters will include the chicken teriyaki baskets from Whippers in Augusta and submarine sandwiches (hold the peppers) from the Northport Market.

Think they will go back to rice?

On the third day, we drop them battery-operated televisions and VCRs along with satellite dishes. Start them off with “Lawrence of Arabia” to get their interest up, then work into the “Godfather” trilogy. Then let those poor devils get a look at the women on “Friends,” “Sex and the City” and “Ally McBeal.” Let those repressed women trapped in their burqas get their dark eyes on a half-naked Russell Crowe in “Gladiator” and the sympathetic Mel Gibson in “Braveheart.” For the aging Arab woman we will include “Entrapment” to show that Sean Connery still looks good, even in his dotage.

The tales around the campfire are going to seem pretty drab after that.

Fourth day? We airlift some Walkmans and some carefully chosen tapes and CDs. These are people we don’t want to offend so Snoop Dogg can stay at home. We will start them with classic Rolling Stones and Beatles, plus the Time-Life History of Rhythm and Blues (not available in stores.) Just for fun let’s throw in some Emmylou Harris, Randy Newman, Dwight Yoakam and Lyle Lovett, even some early Jackson Browne.

Those sandaled feet will be moving away from the Taliban and toward the light.

Speaking of sandals, on the fifth day we will drop Nike sneakers in assorted sizes, plus some Gold Toe white socks. Put in some Charger football jerseys and some Harley-Davidson T-shirts.

The fifth day will be dessert. The first wave will drop carefully wrapped packages of Breyer’s vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream, along with every flavor Ben and Jerry’s has to offer. The next wave will include chocolate sauce, still hot. The choppers will follow with whipped cream, cherries and nuts, for those who want them.

For those lactose-intolerant Afghans, we will include the devilishly addictive Fiddle Faddle for dessert or just a snack out on the dunes.

The Best of the West will win over the population and the thousand-year war between the tribal factions will be over forever. Of course their heart disease and cholesterol will be through the roof. But that is a battle for another time.

First we have to win their hearts and minds.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmears@msn.com.