Santa’s new ‘deer’ offers sports gifts

Well, it’s that time of year again, and you’re sitting there, pulling your hair out, wondering what you’re going to get everybody for Christmas.

I can help.

Now, as you might have guessed by my new-look column photo, I recently received a promotion, and was recognized by the jolly old elf his-ownself as a duly deputized honorary reindeer. Or maybe I found a nifty set of antlers (horns to the reindeer layman) at WalMart and couldn’t resist strapping them on for a test drive.

For the record (and since I know all you outdoorsy-types get into this stuff) I’m a quite-healthy eight-point buck. I don’t know if you can see that in the photo. I (thankfully) don’t know what I’d dress out at.

OK. Now that I’ve established my credentials, let’s get to work. I don’t know if any of these people are on your list, but if they are, here are some hints.

University of Maine coach John Giannini has had a crazy year. He needs several things: Another point guard. … stock in an HMO, so that the Black Bears’ rash of injuries might, somehow, pay off for him. … or maybe he just needs a hug and a chorus of “Kumbaya” to ease the frustration.

His women’s counterpart, Sharon Versyp? So far this year, it seems that her up-and-down Bears need a seesaw to play on. But don’t give her that. Give her three straight wins at the right time – in the postseason tourney – and the early-season skittishness will be forgotten.

The city of Bangor needs a new auditorium. And civic center. Maybe a hotel. And some say it needs its old harness track. Others say it needs nine more golf holes instead.

What the city needs most is something it won’t likely get … at least not this year: Consensus.

Joe Campbell had a good year. He hit the big shot for the Bangor Rams in March. Now he’s a college freshman and is a starter for the Bears in Orono. All he needs now is a scholarship. NCAA rules prevent UMaine from guaranteeing a walk-on player like Campbell that he’ll eventually earn one. But when the time is right, he’ll get it. Believe it.

Chad Hayes needs an NFL contract. His football coach, Jack Cosgrove, needs a few (more) good men to pave the way for more success.

Paul Kostacopoulos needs a mild winter and sunny spring, so that when America East holds its baseball tournament in Orono, teams won’t spend the weekend waddling through the mud.

Bangor boys basketball coach Roger Reed, or his son, Brewer boss Mark Reed, or Nokomis’ Jim DiFrederico, or Old Town’s Marty Clark … or any other real Eastern Maine Class A coach, needs to figure out a way to keep a regional crown with an Eastern Maine team. (No offense to Brunswick’s Todd Hanson, who is a nice guy, but no matter what the MPA says, the Dragons are still from the “other” Maine). Call me a provincial reindeer if you will … that’s just the way it is.

And me? Thanks for asking, but I really don’t need much, no matter what all those unsolicited e-mails keep telling me.

Like the four messages that tempted me with the potential immediate loss of 10 or 15 pounds, without any of that pesky exercise? (Whoever put me on that mailing list, I will find you).

Or the even more tantalizing mail-order steaks, which are currently trailing the lard-losing e-mails by a narrow 4-3 margin.

But honestly, I don’t need a thing. Unless, of course, you know some elves who can put a foot-thick coat of ice on Green Lake before ice-fishing season starts.

If you do? Well, then I’d need a couple dozen smelts. And a hand pushing, pulling and prodding my shack out onto the ice. And a map showing me the perfect place to set up camp. And …

John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter. His e-mail address is jholyoke@bangordailynews.net