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If Christ was born today it might have gone like this: Hospital Operator: “Paging Dr. Gastwirt. Please call 1-463-225-5464 about a patient.”
Dr. Gastwirt calls 1-463-225-5464: “Hello.”
Voice: “Hello, Doctor, I have a patient I would like you to take care of. Her name is Mary Galilee. She is pregnant, in labor, travelling through your area and needs to have her baby tonight at your hospital. She is with her husband Joseph, a carpenter and a good fellow. I understand you are the OB doctor on call.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “I am. And you are…?”
Voice: “You might say I am her primary care provider. I am God.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “Right – I get it. You must be an HMO medical director – you guys are always playing God.”
Voice: “Believe what you will. Let’s talk about the patient.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “OK – tell me about her prenatal care. What is her due date, what did her ultrasound show, was she tested for gestational diabetes, etc.?”
Voice: “The baby will be born early this morning, on the 25th of December. That is when the baby is due. She has had none of those other tests.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “You’re kidding! So she has had no prenatal care? Who has been taking care of her?”
Voice: “I have been watching over her, as has my staff.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “Watching over her? Sounds like having you ‘watch over’ someone does not count for a whole lot. If she has not had any prenatal care she is going to need a stat ultrasound, blood type and Rh, maybe Rhogam, blood sugar, hepatitis testing, as well as testing for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.”
Voice: “Mary will not need any of that. She is a virgin and her conception was immaculate.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “So she had artificial insemination under sterile conditions?”
Voice: “No, her pregnancy just happened – she is carrying the Son of God.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “Son of God? Right – why does this stuff have to happen on my night on call? So she’ll need a psychiatric assessment, because she is clearly in denial, maybe even a little delusional.”
Voice: “Do not worry about any of that, Doctor. She is not deluded, she is chosen. All you need to do is handle that baby as though millions are depending on it.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “I take care of every baby that way. All right, so, does Mary have any health insurance?”
Voice: “None, but if you take care of her rest assured I will reward you when you and I meet some day. Please don’t say no – she has already been turned away at several other hospitals because they did not have room.”
Nurse: “Dr. Gastwirt, a patient named Mary Galilee just arrived. She is in labor, and looks like she is about to have a baby. She is a little sketchy on the details of her pregnancy, says some guy named Gabriel told her to just carry the baby and not to worry about anything else.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “I’ll be right there. Start an IV on her, get a CBC, blood type and Rh, get the ultrasound machine so we can make sure the baby is not breech, get her to sign the consent for delivery, etc. Have the social worker see her because it sounds like her social situation is pretty poor. See if she qualifies for Medicaid, too – probably does because her husband is a carpenter and there’s not much work this time of year.”
Nurse: Also, Security called from downstairs, said there were a couple of scruffy guys here to see her baby once it is born …”
Dr. Gastwirt: “What the heck? Do they look dangerous?”
Nurse: “Apparently not – nice guys, but they do have a flock of sheep with them, and are pretty insistent they all be able to see the baby. Say they are just following a star, saw the star on the side of the hospital and knew this was the place.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “Sheep? Do these people think this is a barn? Sheep, and some guy on the phone who says he’s God.”
Voice of the Guy: “Don’t be so skeptical, Doctor. This ‘guy’ has never met you but knows that you are blue-eyed, 179 pounds, are using Rogaine to keep baldness at bay, and love delivering babies in part because every one has the potential to be the next miracle, the next Einstein, the next Nelson Mandela. I also know your wife will look nice in that little nightie thing you ordered from the Victoria’s Secret catalog.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “Oh, my God!”
Voice: “Exactly. So take good care of this baby, Doctor. A lot rides on it having good APGAR scores.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “I’ll do everything I can. I always do, anyway. Damn, … I mean darn, I’m glad you called. What if I hadn’t known this was the Son of God I was about to deliver?”
Voice: “It would not have mattered. Treat every child as though it is mine, for they all are; those of every color, rich and poor, gay or straight, Muslim or Christian, with and without prenatal care. That, and my Son, are my gifts to all for Christmas.”
Dr. Gastwirt: “What is Christmas?”
Voice: “You will find out. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, Doctor.”
Nurse: “Dr. Gastwirt, we need you. Mary is about to deliver. And Security called again – there are three old guys downstairs who want to bring gifts up to Mary’s baby. One of them says he has health insurance for it, another says he has all of the vaccines it needs, and the third has an LL Bean gift certificate made out to J. Christ. How do they know the name already?”
Dr. Gastwirt: “What the heck – send them all up, but warn Housekeeping about the sheep. This is going to be a day to remember.”
Erik Steele, D.O. is a physician in Bangor, an administrator at Eastern Maine Medical Center, and is on the staff of several hospital emergency rooms in the region.
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