Aspects of job take some of the fun out

The holidays must be over. Here I am on another flight, rocking in the winter jet stream over some body of water as part of this envied life of a sportscaster. I’m not complaining, mind you, just making a point in response to the 10 most repeated comments/questions I hear in the course of doing my job.

10. “I’m an attorney. How can I get into sports broadcasting.” This chestnut is a yearly regular on the list. Because I used to practice law and other attorneys read stories about that, they think I have a secret formula I can share to make the change in jobs. Sorry. I never was very good in math and still haven’t been able to come up with that equation. Starting in the business at the age of 15 probably helps.

9. “You’re lucky, you get to meet all the sports stars.” I am lucky to have a job I look forward to doing. As for meeting the sports stars, sometimes that’s lucky, but most of the time it’s pretty dull. Sports stars have all the politically correct lines down and can drone on with the best politician.

Sometimes you get real lucky and meet someone like hockey star Brett Hull. He loves life, has opinions, and isn’t afraid to express them in colorful terms. Unfortunately, Hull is the exception to the mundane or, worse yet, egomaniacal sports stars who grace the criminal dockets.

8. “You live such an exciting life.” In response, I refer to the airline comment above and the sag in the middle of the couch in the living room. Further evidence of the excitement can be found under the coffee table next to the couch where crumbs from LaBree’s chocolate donuts can be found. I will admit that LaBree’s donuts are exciting.

7. “You’re so lucky, you get to travel.” Let’s consider that after we empty our pockets to clear security, take off our belt, remove our shoes, take the laptop out of the bag, spill everything out of our wallet trying to find the darn driver’s license and still set off the alarm. Now we get to take off our watch, remove our sport coat, take the pen out of our shirt pocket, and get wanded (checked with the portable metal detector).

At the gate, we are one of the chosen few. Your briefcase will now be completely searched, i.e. ransacked. You will now have the opportunity to show what you learned two minutes ago, by emptying your pockets, removing your belt and shoes, taking the laptop out, finding your license, and getting wanded.

Settling in on the plane, we can enjoy airline food with a plastic knife, but two metal forks, and read in the paper of the guy who took a loaded gun on not one, but two different flights before anyone found it. Next to that is the story on the Department of Transportation revoking a decision a month ago that airline security personnel need higher qualifications. Come to find out, they don’t, not even a high school education. Yep, this is the life.

6. “You get to watch all those games.” Nine innings times four hours times eight pitchers times 350 pitches times 12 walks times 20 rain delays times six hits times five runs times a googol of commercial breaks equals a major league baseball game. Mercifully, hockey has a clock.

5. “If I sent you a tape of me doing a game, would you review it and get me a job?” No.

4. “I wish I had your job.” When I’m traveling, I wish you did, too.

3. “What’s [insert name here] really like?” Just what is it that people want to know? [Insert name here] is like you and me, only richer.

2. “Which do you like more, baseball or hockey?” (Since they are the primary sports I broadcast.) I wish I knew, then I could drop one and spend more time fishing.

1. A drum roll, please. Honest to goodness, this is the most-asked question I get. “How many frequent-flyer miles do you have?” You’ve got to be kidding.

Old Town native Gary Thorne is an ESPN and NBC sportscaster.