Recent events leave no room for Nomar

The big Red Sox news fresh off the hot stove was delivered by Sports Illustrated last week when the magazine revealed that Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm are hand-holdin’, goo-goo-eyed, break-out-the-handcuffs in love. And they have been for a few years.

No kiddin’. How did we miss that?

We might have been on top of the situation if our focus hadn’t been on the less important things such as 9/11, impeachment, the Red Sox sale, Firestone tires, Dan Duquette, a presidential election, Jason Varitek’s elbow, Jared losing 150 pounds, Pedro Martinez’s shoulder, Enron, Jose Offerman’s home run trot to first on a groundout to short, quarterback concussions, the Jimy Williams watch, Geraldo Rivera, the constant eruptions of Mount Saint Everett, Y2K, survivalists, Art Bell, “The Blair Witch Project,” John Valentin’s knee, Al Gore’s move to earth tones and Manny Ramirez’s hamstring.

Then there were new shoes for the kids, Tim Wakefield’s constant whining, chads, Pat Buchanan, George Harrison’s passing, how much money Major League Baseball lost last year, Tora Bora, Izzy Alacantara’s one-man and heartfelt tribute to Carl Douglas (“Everybody was kung fu fighting”), Whitewater, Mike Lansing’s $6 million swing, gas prices, Kathy Lee Gifford leaving Regis, the West Bank, wondering if Mayday Malone and Diane were ever going to make a comeback, the wave radio, Cyrus Vance’s passing, why Butch Hobson’s offer to speak to major league teams about the danger of drug use was ignored, a new ballpark for the Red Sox, “Survivor,” and a late attempt for the Red Sox to be stolen by Dolan.

We also were distracted by the Gaza Strip, Rick Pitino, the space station, Tom Brady, Ralph Nader, Cal Ripken’s All-Star home run, Barry Bonds’ run at Mark McGwire’s single-season home run record, androstenedione, Taliban on the run, Mike Dunleavy, Howie Carr, Ken Starr, “Star Wars Episode I,” Jim Rice’s annual Hall of Fame voting screw job, Barbara Olsen, the attack on the USS Cole, lamb chops and cloning, Sergio Garcia, Terry Glenn, Ringo Starr look-alike Yasser Arafat, Steven Segal look-alike Derek Lowe, stem-cell research, Mosi Tatupu’s firing, Janet Reno, “Eyes Wide Shut,” Chandra Levy, Sonic Drive-Ins (where’s the nearest one?), an ice storm, Bosnia, the quiet competence of Darren Lewis, John Elway holding the Lombardi Trophy, Payne Stewart, Chunky Soup, “The West Wing’s” Mrs. Landingham, Ashleigh Banfield and Kabul.

Our attention also was drawn to Shawn Walsh’s passing, bowler Bud Gray, Bill Clinton’s going-out-of-business sale (or how much is that armoire in the window?), George O’Leary’s past, a laptop on every student’s desk (and a chicken in every pot), Ricky Henderson being Ricky, Tony Soprano, Black Bears in Iowa, Ichiro, Harry Potter, the Giants in the Super Bowl, the United States vs. Microsoft, Jennifer Capriati’s comeback, day trading, Trot Nixon’s fire and leadership, Nomo’s no-no, Marc Rich, Suzanne Somers’ liposuction (did she, or didn’t she and who cares?), Pete Schourek playing soft-toss, uh, from the mound, during games, “24,” Slobodan Milosevic, airport security, the United States qualifying for the World Cup, Johnny Damon, Garrison Hearst’s comeback, Cindy Blodgett, “Band of Brothers,” Chechnya and the NYFD.

And what about Joe Lieberman, Antowain Smith, Timothy McVeigh, “The X-Files,” Bryan Cox, Super Bowl XXXVI, Ramallah, peace envoys, Tony Blair, Shea Hillenbrand’s potential, the Boston nanny trial, the millennium, Gov. Ventura, He Hate Me, the XFL, baseball contraction, Bud Selig, the Big Dig, Ted Williams Tunnel (whose idea was that?), Tony Gwynn, Paul Pierce, 7-Up taste test, The Replacements, Special Forces, beards, Shimon Peres, Brian Daubach’s Abe Lincoln look, David Cone’s competitiveness, a new auditorium, George Mitchell, John Henry, El Guapo and Osama bin Laden?

If it hadn’t been for those things and thousands of others, SI wouldn’t have had to waste the space to tell us that Nomar and Mia were an item. We might have even cared.

Don Perryman can be reached at 990-8045, 1-800-310-8600 or dperryman@bangordailynews.net.