In response to the letter by Paul L. Perito, chairman and president, Star Scientific Inc: Cigarettes and cigarette smoke contain a multitude of toxic chemicals, according to anti-smoking zealots. Therefore, the public must be protected from evil smokers who would threaten the health of nonsmoking men, women and children in places like restaurants and bars.

But what exactly are those helpless victims eating and drinking in their smoke-free, toxic-free non-smoking section of the restaurant? You might be surprised. Holding your breath while you eat might protect you from toxic secondhand smoke, but don’t swallow that food!

Everybody likes roast turkey, especially when the whole family is around the table. Hope they like heterocyclic amines, too. Nothing goes better with turkey than some bread stuffing ethyl alcohol, benzo(a)pyrene, ethyl carbamate, furan derivatives, furfural, dihydrazines, d-limonene, psoralens, quercetin glycosides and safrole. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like cranberry sauce, unless it’s the furan derivatives that go with it.

How about some prime rib of beef with parsley sauce? Use lots of ketchup unless you have a taste for heterocyclic amines and psoralens. How about some broccoli spears? The allyl isothiocyanate ought to kill the taste. Who doesn’t like a nice baked potato? Can’t have too much ethyl alcohol and caffeic acid, I suppose. Perhaps you prefer a sweet potato instead. You’ll still get your dose of ethyl alcohol, but with a shot of furfural to boot. No meal is complete without rolls and butter. Or the ethyl alcohol, benzo(a)pyrene, ethyl carbamate, furan derivatives and furfural that come with it.

Save room for dessert pumpkin pie is good, even with the benzo(a)pyrene, coumarin and safrole inside. Apple pie is my favorite, though I’d rather not think about the acetaldehyde, caffeic acid, coumarin, estragole, ethyl alcohol, quercetin glycoside and safrole that go with it. Fresh apples, pears, grapes or mangos? They’re always good, even with the acetaldehyde, benzaldehyde, caffeic acid, d-limonene, estragole and quercetin glycosides. Anybody else need a drink after all that?

If you drink enough red wine, you won’t notice the ethyl alcohol and ethyl carbamate. If you drink so much that it’s time for a cup of coffee, the benzo(a)pyrene, benzaldehyde, benzene, benzofuran, caffeic acid, catechol, 1,2,5,6-dibenz(a)anthracene, d-limonene, ethyl benzene, furan, furfural, hydrogen peroxide and hydroquinone might do you some good. Or not. If tea is more to your liking, you might need some sugar to mask the taste of the benzo(a)pyrene and quercetin glycosides.

And for you health-conscious types who prefer only herbal teas, have some symphytine with your comfrey tea. Or some benzyl acetate with your jasmine tea. A cigarette might taste good after all that.

Darlene Brennan lives in Caribou