Beating the cover charge for fun, profit and new teeth

There is nothing quite like news of a preposterous lawsuit to feed the well-honed sense of the ludicrous that many readers apparently possess. That was obvious after last week’s recounting of the story about a fugitive from justice who had bolted into the woods at Mattawamkeag when authorities tried to arrest him.

The man, improperly dressed for the elements, subsequently spent several frigid days and nights lost in the outback. Speaking to a reporter from the hospital where he was being treated for frostbitten toes, he said he was seeking a lawyer to file a lawsuit against the Penobscot County Sheriff’s Department for not arresting him fast enough. If the deputy had done his job properly, the guy claimed, he (the alleged miscreant, not the deputy) would have been collared and lodged in a warm jail cell, rather than left to beat and thrash about in the woods like some half-crazed bull moose in rutting season. Plus, he would likely still have all of his toes.

Several e-mail pen pals wrote to say they would never bet against the success of such a lawsuit, bizarre as it may seem at first blush. Others buttonholed me on the street to express similar sentiments. Considering the mind-boggling outcomes of other seemingly frivolous litigation throughout the country, all bets were off, they said…

“The Stella Awards,” a brief compilation of nonsensically successful lawsuits from the past five years, forwarded by reader Nonni Daly of Old Town, pretty much makes the point. Let the record show that the item, which has been bouncing around the Internet, carries no attribution. I know not whose work it is, only that it is not mine. (A needless disclaimer, perhaps, but one cannot be too careful in these plagiarism-conscious times).

A preface notes that whereas the popular Darwin Awards are given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool, the Stella Awards are given to those who win the most outlandish lawsuits. The award is named for 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who received $2.9 million for spilling a cup of piping hot McDonald’s coffee on herself a few years ago.

Candidates include:

An Austin, Texas, woman who was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving child was the woman’s son.

A Los Angeles teen-ager who won $74,000 and medical expenses after a neighbor drove his car over the kid’s hand. In his zeal to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps the teen-ager apparently hadn’t noticed there was a driver at the wheel of the vehicle.

A Bristol, Pa., man who had just burglarized a home and was leaving by way of the garage. He was unable to raise the garage door because the automatic door opener failed to work, and he couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage had locked when he pulled it shut. The family he had just robbed was away on vacation, so the burglar found himself locked in the garage for eight days, subsisting on a case of a soft drink and a bag of dry dog food he had found there. When he finally was freed from his self-imposed incarceration the crook sued the homeowner, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, and awarded the loser-turned-winner a half-million dollars.

A Little Rock, Ark., man who was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, which is also where the man was when the incident occurred. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by the man, who had repeatedly shot it with a pellet gun.

A Lancaster, Pa., woman who was awarded $113,500 from a Philadelphia restaurant after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

A Delaware woman who successfully sued the owner of a nightclub after she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. The incident occurred as the woman was trying to sneak through the window of the ladies room to avoid paying a $2.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000, plus dental expenses.

NEWS columnist Kent Ward lives in Winterport. His e-mail address is olddawg@bangordailynews.net.