Skeletons in closet from TV-induced ‘hadtohaveit’ syndrome

It is often called the “hadtohaveit syndrome.”

The first symptom is often a knock at the door from a UPS driver with a package of something expensive that you absolutely do not need. In most cases, payment is made with a credit card, which is perilously close to the maximum.

Most of these purchases are an offshoot of insomnia, when the consumer will watch absolutely anything on the bedroom television. Any time after midnight, the airwaves are dominated by a bewildering array of former movie stars selling an astonishing array of lotions, notions and sit-up machines. Just call the 800 number with your credit card handy. Three handy payments.

Hadtohaveit.

It could be books from Amazon.com, an insidious operation if there ever was one. It could be “Hits of the ’60s and ’70s” or “The Very, Very Best of Michael Bolton.” It could be an exercise machine. Check the next lawn sale to see how often those contraptions are used. Or it could be still another kitchen gadget, which is destined for immediate use, then a quick trip to the corner cabinet, the Land of the Broken Toys, where it will collect dust with the waffle maker until it is taken out, cleaned and placed on the lawn for the next yard sale.

Exhibit A: The Juiceman II.

If you have turned on the television after midnight, you have seen the demonic Jay Kordich. Kordich is recognized by his wild eyes and televangelist fervor discussing the miracle of juice.

His Web site tells us, “Jay was barely 20 years old and living in San Pedro, Calif., when he became very ill and was told by doctors that he may not live. At the time, there was a doctor in New York City who was treating patients with freshly made carrot juice and other natural foods. The doctor put Jay on a carrot-apple juice diet and helped him to change his eating habits. Within a short period of time, Jay regained his health and was forever changed.

“He has been juicing for 50 years now. It has become a way of life. Jay’s commitment to juicing began 40 years ago when he discovered the connection between diet and health, and realized that by increasing our consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, grains and legumes (and decreasing our consumption of meat and dairy products), we can help prevent diet-related diseases and premature aging. Now in his late 70s, through juicing and having a diet that consists mostly of raw foods, Jay is in terrific health and has the same energy that he had when he was in his 30s and 40s.”

Hadtohaveit.

For three payments of $66, I ordered the Juiceman II and had visions dancing in my head of dramatic weight loss and drastic increase in energy, all without exercise or sweating.

That was two years ago. How many meals do you think were prepared by the Juiceman II? I would guess about five. According to my Roslindale High School math, that comes out to $39.60 per meal. That would buy a banquet for 26 diners at Conte’s Restaurant in Rockland.

First of all, you can’t have a cup of juice when you get home, already grizzly-bear-hungry at 6:30 p.m. Perhaps it could work at 4 p.m. before hunger takes command. Second of all, the process makes a god-awful mess. You have not lived until you have seen the leftover pulp from three apples, a few carrots and a pear.

Plus the recipes are pretty grim after the apple-carrot-pear mixture.

The “Body Cleanser” is four carrots, half a cucumber and a beet. A beet? Who drinks beets? The “Jay’s Secret” to long life is parsley, carrots, celery stalks and two cloves of garlic? Garlic? I would rather have a beet. The Love Apple Cocktail (natural Viagra) is tomatoes, cucumbers, a celery stalk and slice of lime.

That sound like supper to you?

How about a “Zippy Spring Tonic”? That is a mixture of pineapple, radishes and dandelion greens. Yum. Got facial oil problems? What about the “Facial Oil Fighter,” a mixture of carrots, pepper, and a handful of kale, spinach and turnip greens. The instruction manual doesn’t say if you drink it or apply it to your face.

My personal favorites are the “Chlorophyll Cocktail” of carrots, spinach, turnip leaves and watercress and the “Immune Building Cocktail” of tomatoes, parsley, celery, cucumber and onions. When was the last time you drank an onion?

Last week I dragged out the Juiceman II, washed out at least two years of dust, made an apple-carrot cocktail, cleaned up the mess, and put it back in the corner cabinet.

It was $198.

Hadtohaveit.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.