Bag Balm ban udderly ridiculous

After six or seven decades working in the Maine woods, he always considered Bag Balm about as necessary as aspirin. There was nothing like the thick mixture for curing his chapped or bruised hands. Even when he retired, the 93-year-old former woodsman continued to use the product in the familiar green can.

So he was more than surprised when they came back into his nursing home room one day and found that state officials took his balm away. The Maine Department of Human Services reported that Bag Balm, although used by millions of Americans, is considered contraband in Maine nursing homes.

Diane Jones, the assistant director of the nursing home division of the Maine Department of Human Services, said the product is banned for nursing home use, without specific order of a physician. Several nursing homes have been cited by DHS for using the product.

“The instructions on the label say it is for veterinary use only. There are no instructions for human use. We have never had a complaint about [banning] Bag Balm,” she said.

For the Bag Balm ignorant, the greasy elixir is considered by fans to be something of a miracle cure for ski-chapped faces, work-worn hands, dry skin, sunburn, possibly even bad moods and impotence. I started using it when my hands would chap so badly that they would bleed. Bag Balm worked like a miracle when I could stand the oily smell.

According to the label, Bag Balm is a compound of petrolatum, lanolin and a small amount of antiseptic, primarily designed to “treat cows udders that have been cut, scraped, snagged by wires, chapped or sunburned. It is best known for softening cows udders that have become caked or congested due to calving, high feeding or bruising.”

But that’s just the cover story to Bag Balm supporters.

The legend on the product has been captured in the book titled “Bag Balm and Duct Tape,” written by Dr. Beach Conger.

There are actually two Bag Balm manufacturers, the Dairy Association Co. in Rock Island, Quebec, and The Dairy Association in Lyndonville, Vt. Surprisingly, there is no connection between the two companies.

In a unique arrangement, the two dairy associations have had a no-compete commercial agreement for the past 50 years.

Canadian Bag Balm and American Bag Balm are identical products, with the U.S. product dominating the market. The U.S. market is much larger than Canada’s. With its automated equipment, The Dairy Association in Lyndonville produces about 1.2 million units of Bag Balm each year compared with the 30,000 units churned out last year by the Canadian firm, which uses a century-old, hand-cranked mixer.

That market share could change since the Canadian firm reported a dramatic increase in sales last year when country music superstar-goddess Shania Twain confessed she used Bag Balm to soften her immaculate skin.

The U.S. firm is satisfied with its cult status and sales, but has occasionally discussed working with the FDA to get formal approval for use on two-legged customers, said representative Rhonda Paris of the Vermont firm.

“We have discussed it off and on. But they have never moved to change the status in 100 years,” she said. Bag Balm is marketed and sold as an animal ointment, not a human product, she said.

Hey. If it’s good enough for Shania Twain and 1.2 million Americans each year, it’s good enough for me. It should be good enough for retired woods workers in Maine nursing homer.

What harm could it possibly do?

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.