Soccer on TV is like watching 1982 video game

I’ve got very little time left before The Boss lets me abandon ship (oops. … I mean go on vacation), and boy, am I riled up.

I don’t know if it’s the thought of the first work-free week in 10 months (yes, going to games and touring the area’s golf courses does count as work, thank you very much) that has me feeling so energetic.

Perhaps it’s the fact that all of the angry letters and phone calls will have (hopefully) ceased by the time I get back from wherever it is I end up going that has infused me with the courage to say what I’ve got to say.

Or perhaps it’s just my allergies acting up. (Mom, if anybody asks, I’m allergic to ink. And paper. And people writing nasty letters to me.)

Whatever the cause, I’m feeling ornery. And you know what that means.

News item: The U.S. soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup on Friday when the Germans won, 1-nil (as aficionados of “The Beautiful Game” might say.)

Or, as people like me might say, “What’s a nil?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m patriotic. I wish the U.S. had gone over there and whupped some serious World Cup butt.

I don’t even need scoring. I love defense (though only as a concept, … as my frustrated former hoop coaches will attest).

And I like soccer. In person. When I can watch the players up close and actually appreciate the skill and grace of the game.

On TV, that doesn’t happen (until they run the replay of the nil-nil-negating goal, that is). Other than during those infrequent replays, watching soccer on TV is like watching a video game from about 1982.

Players are specks … basically Pong paddles with legs. And unless you know each team’s roster and tendencies, distinguishing one of Brazil’s one-namers from the other is nearly impossible.

That’s why former Colombia star Carlos Valderamma was so cool, by the way. It wasn’t just the fact that he had a bright blond afro. It was because his bright blond afro showed up from the blimp. (See also: orange-haired Alexi Lalas).

News item: The Maine Principals’ Association’s Outdoor Track Committee recommended that the racewalk be eliminated from state meets.

The racewalk is a tough event to like. It looks funny. There’s rarely a stirring, back-and-forth competition between walkers … the best walker waddles out there, routs the field, and the rest queue up in a virtual time trial. Close, lean-at-the-tape finishes are rarer than in the other events.

Some coaches use it as a dumping ground for athletes who aren’t likely to score other points.

And we Mainers are apparently very good at it.

There’s the rub, folks: No other state sanctions the event in their state meet, but go to any national meet, and Mainers will be there. … dominating.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not a racewalk fan. But if kids from Maine are able to parlay this talent into college scholarships, they ought to be allowed the vehicle to do so.

News item: Corey Poulin was disqualified from the R.H. Foster/Mobil Paul Bunyan Amateur Golf Tournament – with a five-stroke lead – because he’d signed a scorecard that gave him a six instead of a seven on one hole.

Average hackers, take note, the next time you’re tempted to utilize your highly effective foot-wedge to get out of trouble, or figure nobody was looking when you grounded your club in the bunker: This is what the game’s all about.

So is the way Poulin dealt with the situation. He stayed at the tourney … played for fun … and learned a lesson.

News item: I’m officially on vacation. See you in two weeks.

John Holyoke can be reached at 990-8214, 1-800-310-8600 or by e-mail at jholyoke@bangordailynews.net