Petty PETA should forget mascot battle

Heard about the latest shot across the bow of common sense fired by the shameless members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)?

It seems that the holier-than-thou, political correctness-bent PETA-ns are all fired up about the way animals are being victimized, disparaged and otherwise negatively stereotyped by high schools, colleges and professional teams which are using their names, likenesses and/or brethren for nicknames and as mascots.

Recently, a spokesperson for the People who Exasperate our Tolerance for Annoyances announced that PETA would begin a preliminary investigation into whether the use of animals as names and mascots in any way violates federal statutes against animal abuse and perhaps even the Endangered Species Act of 1973.

When asked about this latest assault on sensibility, one PETA member responded, “Aren’t animals subjected to enough without their having to deal with the violent stereotypes usually associated with school, university and professional sports mascots?”

In a word? NO.

Most Mainers with half a brain already know what I’m about to impart: Animals have many more important things to worry about than being offended or victimized by cartoon caricatures of themselves paraded about local football fields, basketball courts, and baseball diamonds.

Do you really think Barney the Beaver even cares about how he’s being portrayed at Washburn High School? He doesn’t have time. He’s got a dam to build, food to forage for, and a mate to find.

Then there’s Roger Ram, who’s probably more concerned about staking his territory, protecting the lambs and ewes, and fending off lions, tigers and bears than whether or not Bangor High, Colorado State, or St. Louis is representing him in a proper and respectful manner.

If the Persons who Exhibit Tacky Attitudes had their way, Cony and Deering High’s athletic teams would be known as the Battering Rams, Bucksport and Buckfield would switch to the Pass the Bucks, Mattanawcook Academy would become the (Missing or Sausage?) Links, Belfast would be looking at Lie-Ins and Maine Central Institute in Pittsfield could well wind up as the Husky Sizes.

Colleges would fare no better as you’d have to get used to the idea of the University of Maine’s Black Bearings, Bearers or Bearnaise Sauces. Colby College would go from Mules to Mullets, Mulligan Stews, or … God forbid, Muletas (short, red capes suspended from hollow staffs used by matadors in bullfights). Then again, it would be a good guess that the People who Exist to Torment and Aggravate would find that to be a totally unacceptable substitute. Bates might go from Bobcats to Bobbies, Bobtail Nags – Uh, probably not … too offensive to horses – or Bobblehead Dolls.

Most New England pro teams would remain unscathed since the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics all avoided animalistic names, but the beloved Boston Bruins would be looking at a change. Given their hasty playoff exit this season and current 30-year championship season drought, Ruins might not be that much of a stretch.

The bottom line is the animals are totally oblivious to how they’re being commercialized or taken advantage of. Even if they were, what would they do … sue? How many Johnny Cochrane animal advocate lawyers are out there? Come to think of it, I really don’t want to know.

So leave Lee Academy’s Pandas, Ashland’s Hornets and Bowdoin’s Polar Bears alone you People who Exist to Torment and Aggravate. Go stick another veggie burger of Tofurkey sandwich in your mouths and vegetate. I’m trying to watch the Blue Jays-Devil Rays game.

Andrew Neff isn’t really worried about his high school alma mater changing names since Witches is animal-friendly. He can be reached at 990-8205, 1-800-310-8600, or ANeff@bangordailynews.net