‘Master of Disguise’ should be hidden from movie audiences

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In theaters

THE MASTER OF DISGUISE, directed by Perry Andelin Blake, written by Dana Carvey and Harris Goldberg, 78 minutes, rated PG.

Here’s the good news: When it came to unseating “Battlefield Earth” as the worst movie in recent memory, it took Hollywood three years and hundreds of films to do so. The bad news? When they did it, they did it in a big way.

The new king of crap is Perry Andelin Blake’s “The Master of Disguise,” a comedy whose big set piece involves its star, Dana Carvey, donning a disguise that turns him into a gigantic walking cow pie and whose biggest recurring joke features a villain named Bowman (Brent Spiner) who giggles himself into fits of uncontrollable flatulence.

It’s enough to make the Church Lady lose her religion.

The film, which Carvey co-wrote with Harris Goldberg, is sad, incomprehensible dreck, a muddled, unfunny bore that’s stunning in its ineptness and its utter waste of talent. At my screening, people were either disguising their laughter as silence or they were lulled into a coma. Either way, it was clear that when it comes to having a good time, “The Master of Disguise” is right up there with vacationing on the Gaza Strip.

In the film, Carvey is Pistachio Disguisey, a dim-witted waiter at his father’s Italian restaurant who “ah speeka like dees” and who “ah-lika the ladies with ah big-ah bum.” That he’s a moron is a given, but that doesn’t prevent Pistachio from discovering a talent for mimicry, which comes in handy when he must imitate everything from a turtle to a snake-charming swami in an effort to save his father (James Brolin) and mother (Edie McClurg) from certain doom.

A film this rotten was bound to happen, especially considering the current state of pop culture, which is more than happy to support the drug-induced drivel of “The Anna Nicole Show.” But tell me, how is it that a movie such as this has no problem sliding into local theaters and taking up space when terrific films such as “Lovely and Amazing,” “Tadpole” or “Notorious C.H.O.,” to mention only a few, are never given the opportunity to open in Bangor at all?

One argument has been that Bangor doesn’t have the audience to support Hollywood’s more “intellectual fare,” as one theater manager suggested to me several years ago in an unforgettable exchange, but he was fooling only himself.

Isn’t it time that local theaters play catch-up with the groundswell of support the arts are currently enjoying in Bangor? Perhaps by recognizing there is indeed an audience for movies whose subjects look beyond the cow pie, they’ll sell tickets and attract new patrons in ways “The Master of Disguise” and “Halloween Resurrection” never did.

Grade: BOMB

On video and DVD

LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, directed by Peter Jackson, written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens and Jackson, based on the book by J. R. R. Tolkien, 178 minutes, rated PG-13.

In “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring,” the first of Peter Jackson’s $300 million trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s 1,000-plus-page opus, a furry-footed hobbit named Frodo (Elijah Wood) is entrusted to save Middle Earth from the evil looming deep within Mordor and high atop Mount Doom.

It won’t be easy. With the Ring of Power given to him by his 111-year-old uncle Bilbo (Ian Holm), Frodo must somehow keep the ring from its vicious creator, Sauron, while bringing it to the fiery pits of Mount Doom so it can be destroyed. Only there, where the ring was originally forged in a gathering of evil and hate, can its seductive powers of world domination be fully extinguished.

You don’t have to be a wizard to realize that the task at hand will be nearly impossible to execute. But Frodo, with the help of his friends, all of whom comprise the Fellowship of the Ring, does the best he can with the sudden twist of fate life has handed him.

After a terrific opening that compresses the thousands of years leading up to the film’s present, the film’s first hour drags a bit, but stick with it – its final two hours are far more lively and entertaining.

What’s great about the movie is how Tolkien’s story of wars fought within mountains offers a smashing connection to the past year. Also giving the film a lift are the performances, particularly those by Ian McKellen, Wood, Viggo Mortensen and Cate Blanchett – who are terrific.

With the next installment in the trilogy, “The Two Towers,” due in December, audiences left in a lurch by “Rings'” ending have two choices: Wait four months to see what happens in Jackson’s version or turn to the books – which is precisely what many have been doing in droves.

Grade: B+

Christopher Smith’s reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, occasionally on E! Entertainment’s “E! News Weekend,” Tuesdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5” and Thursdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5:30” on WLBZ-2 and WCSH-6. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

THE VIDEO-DVD CORNER

Renting a video or a DVD? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores.

Deuces Wild ? D-

Lord of the Rings: The

Fellowship of the Ring ? B+

Collateral Damage ? D

Dragonfly ? D

Resident Evil ? D-

Crossroads ? C-

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist: B-

The Time Machine ? D-

Amelie ? A

John Q. ? C-

Pinero ? B

Charlotte Gray ? B+

Hart’s War ? B

The Royal Tenenbaums ?

B+

Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius ? B+

Shallow Hal ? C

A Beautiful Mind ? B

Gosford Park ? B+

I Am Sam ? C

The Majestic ? D-

Max Keeble’s Big Move ? B

Orange County ? C-

The Shipping News ? C

Rollerball ? F

Black Hawk Down ? B

Kate & Leopold ? C+

Monster’s Ball ? A

The Mothman Prophecies ?

C

Harry Potter and the

Sorcerer’s Stone ? B+

Sidewalks of New York ? B-

Lantana ? A

Vanilla Sky ? B+

Corky Romano ? D-

From Hell ? C

The Others ? B+

Snow Dogs ? B-

Ocean’s Eleven ? B

Waking Life ? A

Ali ? B+

Not Another Teen Movie ?

C-

Behind Enemy Lines ? C-

No Man’s Land ? A

Black Knight ? F

The Deep End ? A

Domestic Disturbance ? C

The Man Who Wasn’t There

? B+

Mulholland Drive ? A

Spy Game ? C+

Bandits ? D

13 Ghosts ? F

Donnie Darko ? B

K-Pax ? B-

Life as a House ? C

Original Sin ? F

Our Lady of the Assassins ? B+

Riding in Cars with Boys ?

B-

Training Day ? B-

Heist ? B+

Joy Ride ? B+

Zoolander ? C-

A.I. ? B-

The Last Castle ? C-

Sexy Beast ? B+

Jay and Silent Bob Strike

Back ? F

The Musketeer ? D-

The Taste of Others ? A-

Don’t Say a Word ? C-

Hardball ? C+

O ? B+

Hearts in Atlantis ? B

Life Without Dick ? D

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

? D

Ghost World ? A

Lost & Delirious ? C-

Atlantis: The Lost Empire ? C

The Curse of the Jade

Scorpion ? B-

Lisa Picard is “Famous” ? B

Kiss of the Dragon ? B-

Rock Star ? B

American Pie 2 ? C+