You’ve seen them in the grocery stores: parents telling their kids how bad they are, giving them attention for misbehavior while regularly ignoring their good acts.

With every criticism like “You’ll never learn,” these parents unwittingly reinforce the behaviors they don’t like.

Michelle MacDonald of Bangor has seen them too and now it’s all she can do to mind her own business. She wants to tell such parents that they should praise their children for their good acts and not plant negative ideas along the lines of “You’ll never learn.”

She was one of those parents, she said, until she learned a whole new set of parenting skills at Northeast Occupational Exchange, located on Franklin Street in Bangor.

NOE’s program, developed by Dr. Carolyn Webster-Stratton of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington, has been so successful in Bangor that it was recognized this summer with an award from the National Mental Health Association.

The “Incredible Years” program urges only sparing use of discipline and liberal use of praise. It teaches parents to encourage good behavior and good feelings. Kids are taught how to handle their emotions and how to think through problems without resorting to violence or verbal attack. It also helps parents identify unproductive verbal exchanges with their children.

Webster-Stratton’s program is based on research that shows what truly works, said Dr. Charles Tingley, director of NOE and a clinical psychologist. Maine is among 43 states where the program is being introduced, he said.

Although it is also designed for use in schools and for all parents, most of the parents and kids who’ve gone through NOE’s program so far were already having troubles.

Quick fix

MacDonald, like many parents who become frustrated with children who aren’t minding, was looking for a quick fix when she heard about NOE.

“I came in with the idea of learning how to effectively discipline my child without a struggle,” MacDonald said. Other parents who turned out with MacDonald for an introductory session were of a similar mindset.

“As soon as we started, everyone went right to the discipline,” she said.

But Tingley and others at NOE immediately began focusing on things like how to play with children. And his first question was whether a child can be praised too much, she said. Michelle thought you could.

Tingley believes you can’t praise a child too much as long as the praise is thoughtful and genuine.

“We introduce praise and that’s like a foreign language for some parents, it’s uncomfortable for them,” said Tingley.

The idea is to catch children being good and give them praise. Children seek attention, and giving it for good behavior is often preferable to discipline, Tingley asserts.

On one recent session in a small, corner room of NOE in downtown Bangor, praise was being used liberally.

Puppetry and Praise

Six children are gathered for a morning session. These children have all had some behavioral problems, but have come a long way, according to Sharon Greenleaf, who runs this morning’s session along with Tingley.

Part of the morning involves scenarios being acted out by two dinosaur puppets: Wally Problem Solver and Molly Manners. The session leaders have Molly and Wally fight over common things, like who will take a turn first. Tingley and Greenleaf encourage problem solving. For many good behaviors, they give colored chips that are later turned in for stickers and inexpensive toys.

During the morning, one nine-year-old girl is not paying attention to the activities orchestrated by Tingley and Sharon Greenleaf. Rather than scold her, Tingley gives the children who are paying attention a chip for their good behavior.

Later, in a session to teach how to deal with verbal attacks, one girl goes beyond the bounds of the session and continually taunts a young boy, calling him “baaaybee, baaaybee.” In anger, he runs across the room and threateningly leans over her, but does not hit her.

The boy came close to getting a time-out. When he first came to the program, he had no control of his emotions.

As the boy returns to his seat, the taunting continues. But Tingley, Greenleaf and other children give him praise for ignoring the girl. The girl, who is largely ignored, soon loses interest.

Tiny turtle

The Incredible Years recommends parents ignore certain behaviors and keep discipline, such as time-outs, for serious transgressions. Even then, the child in time-out must be largely ignored in order not to reinforce that behavior.

Ignoring skills are referred to as “tiny turtle.” When you pull into your shell, the words roll off your back.

Parent Teresa Seymour, of Bangor, said her daughter taught her whole kindergarten class “tiny turtle” and the teacher asked to learn more about the program, she said.

Seymour admits to having had a sea change in how she relates to her children after two years at NOE. Not only does she use the skills with her kids, she finds herself using them as a Girl Scout leader.

“I find myself praising other children when other parents are ignoring them,” she said.

Research has shown that programs like this only work when parents are involved in learning new skills just as their children are, Tingley said. He relates examples where kids know there are certain consequences to actions when they are at NOE – time-outs followed by loss of privileges – but then they come to understand that the same consequences don’t exist at home. Consistency in parenting is important, the program teaches.

Many parents simply find it difficult to stick with the program, which is time-consuming – the first segment is 25 weeks. NOE tries to help by providing day care for children when parents are working with NOE workers. But then too, parents have to deal with being part of sessions with dinosaur puppets.

“I kind of thought ‘I’m in a segment of Barney and it just doesn’t seem real,” MacDonald remembered.

But parents interviewed said they are glad they got used to such program elements that do help both parents and kids to understand new concepts about dealing with their environment and emotions.

“I think you need the parents’ willingness and involvement to change the kids,” said Beth Knowles of Bangor, a three-year veteran, who dropped out her first time.

Knowles, MacDonald and Seymour ardently recommend that Incredible Years can help other parents, including some who think they already know enough about parenting.

Seymour would like to see more people use the strategies in Webster-Stratton’s book.

“I recommend it,” Seymour said. “That book, ‘The Incredible Years,’ should be given out at the hospital.”