Stars merit rocket ride to oblivion

I was disappointed to read this week that the pop singer Lance Bass won’t be able to go into space this October.

It seems the Russian space agency canceled the highly publicized deal when sponsors of the 23-year-old ‘N Sync band member failed to come up with the $20 million required for a seat on a Soyuz rocket bound for the International Space Station.

The perky boy-band singer, who would have been the world’s third space tourist, had already sworn that he wouldn’t make any recordings while he was in space, although he did threaten to grab a guitar and serenade us live every once in a while. He also assured the Russians that he “didn’t want to be a nuisance up there,” whatever that means, and that having attended space camp in Florida 10 years ago and having “a stomach of steel” was pretty much all the right stuff he’d need for the mission.

But now, for want of a lousy $20 million, Bass will be replaced on the flight by a crate full of equipment. And in the process, the Russians will squander a great opportunity to foster goodwill among millions of Americans. The way I see it, strapping some of our more annoying celebrities into rocket ships and blasting them into orbit is the most worthwhile space program to come along in years.

Before the idea was aborted, I saw limitless benefits to this novel celebrities-in-space program. In fact, I would have cashed in my 401(k) – or what’s left of it – to help with the cost of launching a celebrity such as Eminem into deep space. Make it a one-way ticket for the sneering, foul-mouthed rapper and I would have been willing to send the Russians my next couple of paychecks.

I’m sure many Americans would gladly do the same to rid the planet of some of our most irritating high-profile presences. The Russians could name their price, for instance, if they would simply agree to take Britney Spears into space and leave her there to chill on Tang for a while. Should NASA ever decide to stop being so scientifically high-minded and begin marketing its space program to celebrity astronauts, it might never have to go begging for funds again. Parents across the country would clamor to throw tax money at any mission that could finally rid Earth of odious stars such as Tom Green, Dennis Rodman, Darva Conger and just about anyone from the TV show “Jackass.”

Send Ozzie Osbourne and his family into space and they’d probably feel right at home. Send O.J. Simpson into space (to look for the real killers?), and the entire country would huddle around its TVs to watch the launch. The same for Tonya Harding and Jerry Springer, Marilyn Manson and Christina Aguilera.

Perhaps the Russians would be open to group rates, too, in which case we could all bid a fond up, up and away to the Spice Girls, the Backstreet Boys, the whiners on “The Real World” and most of the cast members from “Survivor,” “Temptation Island” and “Big Brother.” A rocket with P. Diddy and J-Lo on the passenger list? Money’s no object. Al Sharpton and Anna Nicole Smith as cosmonauts? The Russian space agency could name its price and millions of us would respond generously. Since Michael Jackson has always been a true space cadet, he probably deserves a ride, too. So many celebrities, so few rockets.

The Russians missed a golden opportunity when they grounded Lance Bass, and they’d be smart to reconsider. It would be only a small step for them, after all, but a giant leap for mankind.