Dead letter office (aka Ask Don).

Having written sports columns in a variety of publications over the past 10 years or so, I’ve accumulated a fair amount of mail from readers. Mail is a good thing for columnists. It justifies our existence to our bosses – it is proof that someone is reading our unsolicited offerings.

It is also a good source for the columnist to pick up new words. I have been called many things – things I didn’t know existed. And I have been told to do many things – things that, in many cases, were impossible.

Here are a few examples. Once I wrote a column about professional wrestling being fake. It was intended as tongue-in-cheek, but what is funny to you may not be funny to someone else and I received several responses. The following is one.

Don, you’re a $!@% moron. If you don’t think wrestling is real, I dare you to tell a professional wrestler that. He would rip your $@&*# head off. I’d like to be there to see it happen …

I think you get the gist of it. It went on for a while and described my demise and several ways he would like to see it happen.

And then there was the time I thought a question written to me had been written tongue-in-cheek, and I responded in the same.

Dear Don, Why on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” are all of the aliens able to speak English?

My response at the time – Thanks for taking the time to write. I think they all speak English because aliens have a difficult time with French verbs .

I thought it was a cute response to a cute question.

It turns out the writer was a guy who dresses up like a Klingon on weekends and wanted to use a phaser or something on me. He sent me a response written completely in Klingon. I didn’t take the time to visit a Star Trek Web site to find a translation. I didn’t need to. I’ve seen the show. Klingons aren’t very subtle in their approach to their enemies.

My worst mistake ever as a columnist was a few years back when I wrote an unflattering piece about Notre Dame’s football program. I wrote this despite the fact that one of my best friends is a golden-domer.

It was back when Lou Holtz (aka Granny Clampett) was running the show in South Bend. I took exception to a TV announcer describing the playing field there as “hallowed ground,” believing that term should be reserved for battlegrounds where people were actually killed.

I also wrote that Notre Dame was a place where Confession was told to a Touchdown Jesus.

Yikes. I received e-mails. I received letters. And with few exceptions, I was told that I undoubtedly would burn in hell for having written such unflattering words about the saintliest of schools.

I’ve also received some humorous mail, whether it was intended to be funny or not.

I once jokingly referred to the age-old question “Ginger or Mary Ann?” and “Betty or Veronica?” in a column.

I received a two-page letter from a fan of Charlie’s Angels. He described with great detail how Kate Jackson, Tanya Roberts, Shelley Hack, Cheryl Ladd, Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith had it all over Ginger and Mary Ann and Betty and Veronica.

It was hilarious. He cited the Angels’ superior beauty, their superior athleticism and their superior acting abilities.

What a laugh.

Everybody knows the answer is Mary Ann and Betty.

Don Perryman can be reached at 990-8045, 1-800-310-8600 or dperryman@bangordailynews.net