Bad accent aside, them Brits are clueless about movies

Those pesky British. First of all, they have to talk with that accent. Now, you know if you woke them up in the middle of the night, they would talk like the rest of us, at least until they have had their first cup of tea.

And what’s up with that tea? Can’t they drink coffee like the rest of us? Makes you wonder why we spent so much time bailing them out of world wars.

Now the British Film Institute has bothered to tell us what they think are the 10 best films of all time. Did you ask them?

Naturally, they start off with the Orson Welles classic “Citizen Kane.” Everyone does that. That’s tough to argue with, I suppose, but I don’t remember ever sitting through it from start to finish. Of course, they have to jump on Hitchcock and make “Vertigo” No. 2. Kim Novak was lovely even if she could never act her way out of a crumpet, whatever that is.

They follow with something called “La Regle du Jeu” by Renoir, who I always thought was a painter. They return to their senses to make “Godfather,” both I and II, their No. 4 choice.

Then they get British again, making “Tokyo Story” by someone called Yazugiro Ozu, No. 5. This is described as a film about an elderly couple visiting their children in Tokyo. I will be looking for that this weekend at Blockbuster.

They chose “2001” by Stanley Kubrick as six, followed by “Battleship Potemkin,” a 1925 Eisenstein flick about a ship mutiny, at 7. A silent film, “Sunrise” by Murnau, finished at eight, followed by Fellini’s “81/2” which I must admit was one of my favorites, even thought I never had the slightest idea what was going on. Marcello Mastroianni was very cool and that’s all that mattered.

Just to be English, the BFI chose “Singing in the Rain” as No. 10. Singing in the rain? That’s like the French honoring Jerry Lewis, just to be French.

The Cobb Manor Film Institute has different criteria by which to judge the quality of a movie. That is, what movie would you most like to see, just starting, when you parked your behind on the couch after a hard day at the jute mill, or woke up in the middle of a back-to-school nightmare?

No. 1, without doubt, has to be “Godfather” I or II. I have seen them so many times that I am convinced that I am Italian. Unfortunately for the others in the room, I have also memorized most of the dialogue. (“Cheech, the door”) and I still can’t believe they did that to poor Sonny.

Although I am a dedicated pacifist, I would place “Apocalypse Now” at No. 2. The music as the boat goes up river, the Playmates dance to “Suzie Q,” plus Brando’s malevolent character make this a must watch at any hour. Robert Duvall shows up a lot in these choices.

“Casablanca” could have been No. 1, but I have seen it least 350 times just to see Ingrid Bergman make a fool (once again) out of our man Bogie. (She got the letters of transit, didn’t she?) Let’s make that No. 3.

Another possible No. 1, sliding to 4 is “Hombre,” a late ’60s classic directed by Martin Ritt and featuring a young Paul Newman in a script written by Elmore Leonard, I learned a decade later. The classic scene is Richard Boone, who gained television fame as Palladin, rasping to Newman “You got a lot of hard bark on you coming down here without that money.” Can’t see it enough.

The voyage of the “African Queen” comes in at No. 5. Bogart again, this time with the ultra chic Katherine Hepburn. Their battle over the gin is a classic even though they are a couple at least as unlikely as Woody and Mia. You can feel those leeches biting through his skin when he is in the swamp.

I cannot see “Dr. Stangelove” enough. It is another one that I have seen so many times that I can drown out the dialogue enough to drive anyone out of the room. What scene can match our boy Slim Pickens (there’s a name) riding the missile down to Armageddon? We have to get Peter Sellers in here somewhere. Let’s make that No. 6, followed by a personal favorite, “Bedazzled,” at No. 7, with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. This 1967 Faustian spoof (not the remake) by Stanley Donan was so sacrilegious that it was banned in Boston. Raquel Welch plays the part of lust. Enough said?

Hey I am a lowbrow. I would watch “Rocky” virtually any day of the week. I don’t care how many commercials there are. I know I am a softy, but when our boy yells “Yo, Adrian … I did it!” it gets me every time. I am convinced Rocky is really living in South Philly, running the streets every morning and drinking raw eggs. Make it No. 8.

Only two left and it’s getting tougher.

I must confess an unreasonable appreciation for Novak, even if she is a horrible actress (Don’t tell her I said that). When she dances with William Holden in “Picnic,” it still gives me goose bumps. Let’s squeeze that in at No. 9.

You have to get Jack Nicholson in somewhere. I will choose between “Postman Always Rings Twice” with the luscious Jessica Lange (for whom any sane man would kill), “Chinatown” and “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

Tough one.

I will vote for “Cuckoo.”

Take that, BFI.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.