As the restless natives hold their collective breath while awaiting news of the next University of Maine athlete to get in trouble with the law and disappoint the loyalists of Black Bear Country, let us take time to ponder another equally sorry matter in the overall scheme of things: The biennial political advertising jihad that tries the patience of dedicated couch potatoes everywhere.

If it should turn out that the ad copy for most political advertising presently dominating your television screen in behalf of Maine candidates for higher office has been written by the same guy, I can’t imagine anyone being all that surprised.

Viewers who have endured the assault on their senses for some time now – and who face five more weeks of intensified bombardment until the Nov. 5 election mercifully makes it all go away – must have their suspicions. (“Surely, you must have noticed the similarities in the various ads,” I remarked recently to a friend who watches far too much television for his own good. “Yes, I have,” he replied. “And don’t call me ‘Shirley.'”)

This season’s monkey-see, monkey-do fad in political advertising among the heavy hitters at the top of the ticket seems to be the hokey punch line that encourages viewers to ring up the candidate and have a good old-fashioned gab session. As though the candidates really want every Tom, Dick or Harry calling at all hours to jaw endlessly about how the country is going to hell in a handbasket. As if Joe Sixpack could actually make it past the palace guard and get the ear of the candidate, anyway.

“Call Mike Michaud. Tell him to keep working for us,” the tagline of an ad for the Democratic candidate for Congress from the 2nd District suggests.” Call Kevin Raye. Tell him to keep fighting for Maine seniors,” urges one in behalf of Michaud’s Republican opponent. Dueling marching orders. In a perfect world, of course, it would serve both candidates right if the masses took them up on the deal.

Not only has the ploy been used in behalf of candidates – it also has been employed as a sort of guerrilla-warfare tactic by one candidate against another, mainly for aggravation purposes, far as I can tell. The infamous “nasty nurse” ad aired by Democrat Chellie Pingree in her race against the incumbent United States senator, Republican Susan Collins, comes to mind. At the conclusion of that clunker – now conspicuous by its absence from the airwaves – a voice urged viewers to phone Collins and bug her about her health care record, and such. Judging by the resulting fallout, what many viewers were more inclined to do instead was call Pingree to bug her about losing the ad.

Siccing supporters on your opponent via telephone – preferably during the dinner hour in competition with the telemarketing crowd – is not as outlandish as anonymously ordering 50 pizzas for rival campaign headquarters and sticking the enemy with the bill, as Republicans in charge of dirty tricks once did to Ed Muskie, I suppose. But, hey. You work with what you have.

Thanks to technological advances, most of the political advertising seems well crafted, the rub for viewers coming in the endless repetition and the thought of what lies ahead as Election Day nears. As befits an outsider looking in, Green Independent gubernatorial candidate Jonathan Carter’s ads seem, at this point, a step ahead of the others in creativity. While chewing your cud in contemplation of the season’s political advertising you might as well try a helping of Carter’s, seeing as how you have helped pony up the $900,000 to bankroll his campaign under the taxpayer-financed concept pioneered right here in God’s Country. Bon appetit, my little cash cow. Just don’t bet the farm on the prospect of your $900,000 investment paying off any time soon.

Couch potatoes might argue that the best television advertising approach of all belongs to maverick independent gubernatorial candidate John Michael of Auburn – the Vlad, The Impaler of Maine politics. Michael has run no ads. The latest campaign finance report showed he had raised zero dollars for his campaign since July and doesn’t have much more than that on hand from a campaign account of roughly $7,600. Say what you will about the man’s political beliefs, which at times may seem to have been hatched in another galaxy. But he does appear to have a handle on spending within his means. Not all politicians do, as you perhaps have noticed.

NEWS columnist Kent Ward lives in Winterport. His e-mail address is olddawg@bangordailynews.net.