Specialist helps those who deal with grief

CALAIS – Death is something everyone faces, but few are prepared to deal with the consequences of handling the death of a loved one.

There is no perfect formula for grieving, but there are approaches to help the bereaved deal with their loss.

That was the message Monday from Dr. Colin Murray Parkes, honorary consultant psychiatrist to St. Christopher’s Hospice and St. Joseph’s Hospice in London and an international researcher and lecturer in the field of bereavement.

More than 150 health care providers, clergy, social workers, hospice workers and volunteers from Maine, New Brunswick and New Hampshire attended a daylong seminar on bereavement at the First Congregational Church of Calais. The Hospice Education Institute, in cooperation with Community Health and Counseling Services and Down East Hospice, sponsored the event.

“This is about educating people,” Michael Galazka, executive director of Hospice Education Institute of Machiasport, said during a break in the meeting. “This is about encouraging people to think about bereavement, to think about what we can do to serve bereaved people best and also to get a critical mass of people here.

“There is an enormous amount of talent in this room.”

The participants ranged in age from 15 to 88. “I am so happy we have young people here because bereavement among young people can be absolutely devastating,” Galazka said.

When confronted with bereavement, young people often turn to their peers, and they need to have the tools to deal with it. “If [they] have people within [their] peer group who have some experience and training even to know where to send [them], it is fantastic,” he said.

Focusing on how to handle death is not a new concept. Societies since the Middle Ages have developed methods for caring for the dying and the bereaved.

“In old China, the death houses offered a place for the destitute dying to stay; in New Zealand, Maori customs give practical support for the family at the time of death, and encourage the community to participate in the mourning rituals; in East Africa, wise elders give both practical and spiritual support to the dying and bereaved,” the Hospice Education Institute said in a handout.

In the United States, more than 3,000 local hospice and palliative care programs offer specialized care to people suffering from fatal illnesses, such as cancer.

Dealing with the aftermath of death is something few people know how to handle. Although friends and family are concerned, Parkes explained, few people know how to express their support. Often they will say, “Do let me know if you need something.”

People who are grieving are the least likely to ask for help, he said, and the death of a loved one often leads to depression.

During the workshop, Parkes said caregivers should not be afraid to ask questions. He said they should seek information about the level of grief including asking if the person is considering suicide.

Studies have shown that bereavement intervention does help the individual cope, he said.

Parkes also addressed the phases of grieving that begin with numbness and disbelief, followed by despair and then restoration.

“People go back and forth between stages,” he said.

He also recommended that dealing with grieving is a family issue and family members should be part of the support structure.

“Helping the family also helps the patient,” Parkes said.